Touch and Taste
by nimery
Summary: Killua Zoldyck was many things. Heir to a successful corporation, Prodigious artist, And the best friend and lover Gon could ever ask for. OR the one where Killua is a drug addict and Gon is trying to get him clean. (Killugon, Leopika, Hisoillu)
1. Paint

He woke with a groan, his body shivering, head pounding. His eyes opened slowly to a waterlogged shower head. This wasn't his bathroom. Killua sat up and rubbed his eyes. Everything was too bright anyway.

The first thing he noticed was that he was naked, which he probably should have noticed before, but it explained why he was so cold. He didn't see his clothes anywhere, but his phone was just beyond him, on the edge of the sink.

It wasn't the worst condition he'd ever woken up in. Sometimes he'd woken up in a stranger's arms, or with a stranger in his. One time he'd woken up covered in scratches and bruises.

He pushed himself out of the tub and retrieved his phone, catching a short glimpse of the bags under his eyes and his mussed hair before he couldn't bare to look anymore, and looked away.

Thirteen messages. And not just from Illumi.

Well, eight of them were from Illumi.

One was from Kurapika, two from Alluka, one from an unknown number, another from his father.

Killua took a deep breath, if his father was texting him, he could only guess what was going on.

Before he could open any of the messages- he'd probably open the one from the unknown number first to spare himself the guilt Illumi, Alluka, or worse, Kurapika would give him- his phone started going off. Now Illumi was calling him.

He hesitated to answer, knowing full well what he was in for if he did answer. After a few rings, he gave in, answering and putting the phone to his ear.

"Yo." He knew answering nonchalantly would work against him, but he couldn't help himself. It was sort of like proving to himself that he was okay enough to joke. Curse the day he couldn't joke anymore.

"Do you even know what time it is?" His brother hissed.

"Late? Or maybe early, I just woke up. What time is it?" From the other side, he could hear some faint talking. "Am I missing something important?"

"Honestly, Killu. Did you forget your own birthday?"

Killua laughed. He had the lack of clothes for it. "Is that what today is?"

He could hear Illumi sigh. "Yes, and it's been today for a while. It's six o'clock, Killu."

"The way you say that makes me think it's after noon."

"It _is_ after noon."

Killua made a small sound. He'd either been sleeping the whole day, or he woke up and knew it was his birthday so he took some D2.

The former seemed very likely.

Killua hated his birthday, always did, always will, so it didn't really surprise him that even his clean self would rather be high off his ass than deal with his family's shit. His mother always made a really big deal out of his birthday, and he hated that, couldn't his birthday just pass like any other day?

If he had a choice, it would pass like any other day, with sleeping and chocolate and maybe a little bit of D2.

The important thing was, Killua understood that he had a problem, that there was something wrong with his dependence on this chemical, but he couldn't really bring himself to care enough to stop. He didn't think he ever would.

"Huh, did you see me in the morning?" He'd migrated back to the tub, sitting on the side of it.

"Yes, and I reminded you of the party."

"What'd I do?"

"You hissed at me."

He smirked; it was a reasonable reaction, whether he was high at the time or not. "So what exactly am I missing, probably dad stalling for time while I find my pants, yeah?"

"Find your what?" That was said loudly, and the other side grew hushed. Imagining Illumi standing among people suddenly shouting into his phone, causing everyone at the party to stare at him, Killua laughed.

"Yep. It's my birthday, I'm in my suit." He laid back against the wall. "Letting it all hang out."

"You're not... in anyone's bedroom, are you?" Illumi was quiet again, but angry.

"No, actually. I woke up in a bathtub. Don't worry, Il-nii, I'm all alone." He paused for a few beats. "But I still don't know where my clothes are."

"Who's bathroom?"

"I actually have no idea."

He heard a drawn out sigh. The speaking on the other side was distant now, as if Illumi had left the main room of the party. "I swear to God, Killu. Find your clothes and go back to the house. I'll figure out something to tell mom."

"Tell her I was at the college, painting."

"Fine, just get back to the house."

Illumi hung up first, and Killua put his phone away; he could check the messages later.

He slowly exited the bathroom, looking both ways, not seeing any pictures telling him who's house he could possibly be in.

But his tank top was hanging on the doorknob, which was a start.

He didn't really worry too much about walking around naked. Whoever owned this place had probably already seen him like this. So he slung the tanktop over his shoulder and looked in the room across the hall.

His shorts and boxers were on the bed, but he also saw the vague shape of someone laying in the bed, sleeping. He walked slowly, quietly as not to wake, and quickly redressed. At least he wasn't naked anymore.

He mussed his hair after slipping on the tanktop and crept toward the bed, peeking at who was in it, because he was curious, especially if this person had stuck their tongue down his throat and enthusiastically undressed him. He didn't feel anything, but that could mean he topped, or it was a girl. Or he didn't have sex at all.

"Motherfucker," he whispered, and suddenly hoped that he didn't have sex at all last night- or this afternoon. He also hoped that no tongues had been down his throat. He shoved the sleeping male.

"Hey," he hissed, "wake the fuck up you useless bastard and tell me what you remember."

The fake-sleeping man smirked and opened a yellow eye. "Ah, Killu, you're always so mean to me."

"Just tell me what you remember before I hit you."

Hisoka sat up, looking too pleased for Killua's liking. "Oh, that's nothing like what you said when I found you a couple of hours ago. Strolling down the street, would've ended up in someone's bed if I hadn't intervened. You're awfully flirty when you're high." The man winked, and Killua could feel his stomach turn.

"Don't tell me what I did, please. Just tell me, without detail, what happened."

"Hmmm, you turned green, are you okay?" Hisoka turned his head to the side. "Anyway, I found you in a particularly bad part of town, and I rescued you. Don't I deserve a thank you for my heroism?"

"Shut up," Killua sighed.

"Hmm? I thought you wanted me to tell you what happened? I mean, you did wake up naked in my apartment."

Killua sat down on the ground, putting his head in his hands. "Okay fine, just. Say what happened, don't be a douchebag about it."

"I took you back here, you tried to make out with me- did I mention that you were flirty when you're high? Because you are- I took off your shirt because you'd somehow gotten it dirty and then you took of the rest of your clothes, threw them everywhere and fell asleep in the bathtub."

Killua winced. "Damn, I'm a mess." Which was another joke that wouldn't be laughed at.

"Do you want me to call your brother?"

"That's another thing. I've been here for a few hours, and Illumi had no idea where I was. You could've called him when I fell asleep," he pointed out, poking Hisoka's forehead.

"I tried, he didn't pick up. Then I watched some golf." Which explained why he was asleep. Killua shook his head.

"Do you want to help or am I hitchhiking home?" His blue eyes raised to Hisoka's yellow. Hisoka stretched before slipping out of the bed.

"I'll get your shirt, you wait in the living room."

He stood and left the room and the teen on the floor. Killua stood, taking a deep breath.

It could have been worse. Hisoka could be an even-more-perverted-than-Hisoka stranger, that welcomed his advances, instead of Hisoka, who probably would have if he hadn't been engaged to Illumi.

Killua fished through his pockets, finding his bobby pins and fixing them in his hair while walking to where he assumed Hisoka's living room was.

He'd never been to Hisoka's house before, and he never wanted to go there again. Especially if Illumi was there. He shuddered at the thought of the two of them. It was all a big coincidence, really. Illumi shouldn't have been in that class at the college, but he was and he met Hisoka.

Hisoka was a political science major, because he liked it when people stabbed each other in the back. Illumi was a business major, to follow in their father's footsteps.

But they both knew who'd inherit the company. Killua would. Even though he majored in art.

Painting was his alternative to drugs. If he didn't have any D2 left, he'd work through the withdrawal through art, painting what he was feelings. Those paintings were always very dark, with blacks and reds as displays for his anger and physical pain.

He'd run out three times before, but he always got more. It wasn't like he needed it, or wanted it, it had simply become something of routine, like how when someone gets a headache and they take some aspirin. When Killua got bored or felt the achings of withdrawal he'd take some D2.

Killua had a rule though, he wouldn't paint when he was high, he'd done it before and had to get an entirely new brushes and paints because of the sloppy mess he'd made.

His dad knew about his addiction, but never really did anything. As long as he was never high in front of the public, he could get as messed up as he fucking wanted to and Silva wouldn't care.

His mother, on the other hand, also knew about it, and has tried again and again to talk him into stopping. He found the attempts annoying and was commonly shit-faced afterwards.

If she did find out that he wasn't painting today, he'd be in for the nagging of his life. And even if she didn't support his painting, at least she didn't hate it as much as she hated the drugs.

"I heard Mr. Zoldyck was throwing you a celebratory party. Nineteen's a big year for you isn't it? Inheriting the company and all."

Killua winced once more, rubbing his middle finger against his temple. "Don't remind me."

"Why don't you give the position to Illumi or Milluki?"

"I fucking tried. Dad said I couldn't, that I'd regret it in the future."

Hisoka scoffed, grabbing his keys off the coffee table. "Try telling him that it's your future and you can do whatever the fuck you want."

"He also said I 'couldn't make it as the next Van Gogh.' Fucking hell, I don't want to be Van Gogh. Why does everyone compare a budding artist to Van Gogh? I want to be Killua. I want to be known as Killua Zoldyck."

Hisoka looked at him for a moment, before his eyes flitted to his phone.

"You've got a text."

**Senritsu**: No subject I found this online...

Killua closed his eyes before opening the message. Sure enough, it was a picture of him a couple nights ago, when he'd gotten really bored and decided it would be a good idea to go out. So much for keeping his problems out of the public eye. Hell, if Senritsu's seen it, everyone's seen it.

Maybe that was what Kurapika's text was about as well.

He skimmed through the other texts he'd neglected. Illumi yelling, Illumi yelling, Illumi yelling, Alluka yelling, Kurapika being genuinely concerned, unknown number which turned out to be Leorio, Kurapika's boyfriend, introducing himself and worrying about him and how his irresponsibility is affecting Kurapika.

The text from his father, though. He read it with pursed lips.

He'd seen the picture on a morning show. The commentator had questioned Silva's ability to run a business since he couldn't even control his own son.

His father telling him they have an interview on Saturday. Enough time to get his shit together.

Okay, maybe that's not exactly what he said, but it was what he meant.

Killua would have to be clean for the rest of the week.

Considering it was only Tuesday, he had quite the journey ahead of him. And a lot of painting. And coffee.

'That,' he thought as he stood and followed Hisoka to his car, 'is one of the problems with being in a family that's a public spectacle.'

'You're forced to dance however they want you to.'

Hisoka's car, when they reached it, made Killua hesitate.

The thing was, it was very obviously Hisoka's. A small blue-ish purple compact.

It looked just about as creepy as its owner.

The ride home was quiet. Like a funeral march, but maybe because that was how it felt to Killua.

Even though his family would be at the celebration, he still had to face Gotoh, maybe Canaria. And no doubt they knew what he was up to.

They were the only two workers he actually liked too. They were cool. Gotoh used to do a cool coin trick when he was a child. Canaria was around his age.

In fact, they'd grown up together. Her parents worked for his before she'd gotten a job there as well, that happened when they were sixteen. He used to play with Canaria, once upon a time, but when they were eleven it suddenly stopped. He didn't really know why, and it still kind of bothered him.

Hisoka slowed outside the gates and nodded. "Your stop."

Killua gave him a terse nod, and got out of the car.

He watched Hisoka drive away, refusing to admit, not even to himself, that he dreaded going into the manor now. The stone floors and medieval architecture of the house had always made him sort of uneasy. Especially on days like this, when he knew he'd done something to warrant disappointment.

He pushed the gates open and made a bee-line to the shed just outside the manor.

In their childhood, Killua and Alluka would spend lots of time by the shed, pretending it was something else. A house, a space shuttle, a log cabin, sometimes it was merely used as a prop, the perfect door for their adventures, the tower that Alluka was locked up in. One time it was a haunted castle, courtesy of a story Zeno told them. He'd knelt down, the children beside him, and told them the story of the seer girl. They'd both shivered. When Killua got to college he met someone who somehow reminded him of the story, Palm Siberia. He used to think she wanted to kill him, but people change.

Sometime when he was in high school, the shed had become Killua's art studio, where he kept his paints and brushes, with an easel in the middle of the floor and finished paintings leaning against the wall.

Some were messes of dark colors, one was a dramatic interpretation of Kurapika, he'd gotten permission to paint his friend first, with red eyes and chains. He liked that one, it made his friend look powerful. People never really believed Kurapika was strong, but Killua knew better. The guy secretly had a black belt in Judo. He'd kicked Killua's ass on so many occasions, Killua learned not to challenge Kurapika to a fight.

It was a process, though.

He sat down at his current project, at the moment, he only had the sketch. It was supposed to be a happy painting, but he couldn't think of anything to make the subject. He was going to paint the embodiment of light, but he didn't have a face. There was no way in hell that he would start painting without knowing what he would paint. He'd done it once before. It turned into a fearsome display of anger and terror.

When he finished that, he'd started crying. It displayed so well what he was feeling at the time.

He didn't like seeing how he felt. That painting had joined the others of its kind, the ones he'd painted when he was going through withdrawal.

It felt like hours, how long Killua was sitting in front of the empty painting, before he heard the door to the shed creak open.

"Oh, Killu." His mother walked in and rested her hand on his back. "You missed a great party, why you would rather be in here with these... things... is rather beyond me."

'Well,' Killua silently sniped, 'being in here means I get to spend less time with you.' He glared at the painting, pretending to be actually thinking about it.

"It's like you're trying to distance yourself from us."

'I am.'

"Trying to cast us away."

'That too.'

"And ever since you got that apartment, we barely see you around unless you're painting."

'Because there isn't any room for my art stuff at the place.'

"And to think you live alone with a female, it makes a mother worry."

'Yeah, but it's Senritsu. She's like my sister. Plus, I'm not even attracted to girls, mom.'

"I just worry about the kind of people you spend time with."

'And you're not worried about Hisoka?'

He was tempted to say the last one out loud, but held back. It's not like his mother needed to worry about Illumi too.

"You've met Kurapika, mom," was what he ended up saying. Kurapika, responsible Kurapika, was always his trump card when it came to his mother disliking his friends.

"And that's the only one I have met, it's like you're keeping all of your other friends from me."

'I'm really not. You could easily come to my apartment and meet Senritsu. Because she and Kurapika are the only friends I have.'

"I do say you could easily meet Ritsu," Killua said with a sigh, "she's almost always at the apartment. Maybe you could hear her practice her flute."

He could feel Kikyo's disappointed eyes on him, as he stood and turned, flashing his mother a brief smile.

"Speaking of, she's expecting me soon, big thing she and Kurapika have been planning. I shouldn't know about it, but I do. Bye, mom."

He slipped past her, ignoring anything she said to try to get him to come back. He pulled out his phone, sending an SOS to Kurapika, as he walked out the gate of the manor.

It's his birthday. The perfect present, in his opinion, would be to be left alone.


	2. Eyes

He had been walking down the side of the road for about fifteen minutes, his hands buried in his pockets, when he caught sight of Kurapika driving toward him in his silver car.

As the blond slowed down, Killua saw someone in the passenger seat. An old-looking guy who was probably Leorio, the man who'd texted him saying he was Kurapiksa's boyfriend. If it was, Killua would just need to take that chance to see if he liked him or not. If Killua didn't like him, he wouldn't last very long. It was like being approved by a mother or father or family dog. When the car neared, and Killua was sure the two could see him, he scrunched his nose and furrowed his brows, hoping Kurapika would pick up on his distaste at having his seat stolen. Kurapika pulledpulled up beside him and rolled down his window. Before the blond could say anything, though, Killua spoke.

"Geez, Pika, why'd you have to bring your father?"

The glare he received from Leorio was like a glare recieved by no other. This glare surpassed any that an annoyed Kurapika could give him, or even a busy Milluki.

"You little punk," Leorio snapped right back, "step on it, Kurapika. Make him walk."

At that moment, the two reached a silent understanding. Killua held out his hand, into the window and in front of Kurapika, his gaze fixed on Leorio. Leorio shook his hand.

"Killua."

"Leorio," each said as he introduced himself before withdrawing. Killua got into the back of the car.

"Well," Kurapika sighed, "good thing you approve." He turned to Leorio for a moment, nodding back to Killua. "My last boyfriend was run out of town by this one because Killua thought he was part of a gang. Wouldn't touch the guy. Didn't want to get the... what was it... 'evil on his hands.'" He glanced behind them then and carefully got back on the road.

"And he didn't really like me either, especially after I got into a fight with his gang. Broke one of their arms too," Killua added cheerfully, propping his arms up on the back of the seat.

"They weren't a gang," Kurapika insisted.

"Yeah, yeah," the teen smirked, his eyes catching the grin on Leorio's reflection. There are a few moments of silence after that. But it wasn't an awkward silence like it was with Hisoka, this was the comfortable silence that Kurapika and Killua always enjoyed, mostly one that came around when Kurapika was reading and Killua was sketching.

That was broken when Kurapika spoke again. "So is anything going on we should know about?"

Killua's eyes met Kurapika's in the mirror. "Oh, well, yeah, I guess," he answered, pursing his lips. "My dad set up this thing with some morning show on Saturday. I'm supposed to go with him. And I'm supposed to be clean. All week."

"I'll give you half off all week, if that's the case," the blond said with a slight smile. Which, Killua had slowly figured out since Kurapika had first gotten Kurta Coffee, was one of the pros to having a close friend own his favorite coffee place.

"Do I get a discount?" Leorio leaned over, flashing a toothy grin.

"I'll charge you extra to make up for my losses with that one, of course," was the answer, which earned a sharp laugh from Killua, and a theatrical frown and loud-mouthed complaint from Leorio.

The ride to the apartment continued like that, friendly quips between the three and questions of genuine concern -inquiries after health and mental wellbeing- that would soon sprout more joking- especially the questions about mental health.

Senritsu waved at them when they pulled up, and the worried look on her face sent a stab of guilt into Killua's chest. He got out of the car first, waving back to Ritsu, and making his way to her, Kurapika and Leorio behind him.

"Hey, Ritsu," Killua greeted her, his guilt seeping into the smile he gave her.

Her eyes were soft and caring when she looked over him, looking for anything that might indicate that something is wrong with him. "Thank you, Kurapika," she said, waving for them to follow her inside.

The three did as she asked, Leorio probably because he was happy being so well included into the trio. For a brief moment, Killua was reminded of that one song. 'Gotta get with my friends...'

Then he winced because now that song was going to be stuck in his head for the rest of the day.

Senritsu went into the kitchen, and knowing Senritsu as well as he did, Killua grabbed his sketchbook from the coffee table, since they'd probably need it for the food she was going to emerge with.

Kurapika went to the couch, bringing Leorio with him, and Killua tossed the sketchbook on his bed before returning to the two.

"I figure," he said, "you're going to use this week of being clean to get the habit to break. You can't fool me, Kurapika, I saw the idea forming in your eyes ever since I first mentioned the interview."

"Interview?" Senritsu emerged from the kitchen with a tray of crackers and dip.

Killua nodded and explained it to her briefly.

"About that picture, I figure."

Leorio and Kurapika blinked. "Picture," they echoed. Senritsu nodded.

"Killua went out a couple nights ago and didn't get back until early morning. There was a picture taken by someone. It's worse now, since Mr. Zoldyck knows about it. No doubt he'll use it as an opportunity to punish Killua."

"The fact that there is an interview is punishment enough," Killua said as he threw himself onto a chair, kicking his feet over the arm rest.

Kurapika reached forward, taking a cracker from the dish. "Just take it in stride," he said as he popped it in his mouth, "all you have to do is try to charm your way out of it, live to fight another day."

"You know I don't charm," Killua sighed. "I am the least charming person you will ever meet."

"Oh, I know that," Kurapika said with a smirk. "But people don't really know that about you. Anyone who knows about the Zoldycks think you're a troublesome ass who lives to ruin people's lives."

"And I still think that after meeting you," Leorio felt the need to add.

Ignoring him, Kurapika continued. "But you have an opportunity to change that. You know how to make people like you, somewhere. Just act like you do around me or Senritsu."

Killua gave him a wary look. "And what if that doesn't work. What if I slip up? What if I say something wrong and-?"

"Killua."

His words cracked, stumbled, and broke as he turned his eyes to Kurapika. The blond was looking at him with those intense brown eyes, that in certain lights and at certain moments could look red. This wasn't one of those moments, but from the way he was looking at Killua, it could have been.

"You have a whole week to get ready for this. If you want, Leorio, Senritsu, and I will help you. They're going to love you, just like we do."

"You may be a troublesome brat, but you're not too much of a piece of work."

"Yeah, and you're an old man, but you're not too senile."

"I take it back, you're a piece of work."

He was on his third cup of coffee, and it was only nine in the morning. Kurapika was giving him free refills today, and he couldn't miss the look of pity in his friend's eyes.

Killua tried to focus on the open sketch book on the table in front of him, but couldn't think past the gnawing pain in at the back of his eyes. So he did the only thing he could do and squeezed them shut.

Focus, focus, focus.

His mind was shouting at him, and everything was too loud.

"Hey," a hand rested on his shoulder. Opening his eyes, everything got quieter, and he looked up to Kurapika.

His friend had his hair pulled back in a ponytail, a geometric blue and yellow apron. Of course, everyone wore the same pattern in different colors at Kurta Coffee.

Now that he thought about it, this was where Kurapika met his ex. Killua pursed his lips as the blond sat next to him, snagging the sketchbook that Killua didn't even want to claim was his. Killua wouldn't stop him, and Kurapika knew that, flipping through the pages.

"This isn't the one you use for class, right?" He asked, eyes glancing over the sketches.

"That thing," Killua answered, an accusatory finger pointed at the book, "and I are not on speaking terms."

Raising a brow, Kurapika skipped to one of the more recent drawings. "It doesn't look too bad to me. But I don't get why you're drawing your sister with holes for eyes."

"It's art," he grabbed the book from Kurapika's hands, "I can do what I want." Suspicious blue eyes met amused brown ones. "And shouldn't you be working? Behind the counter. Like a good barista."

Kurapika smirked, leaning back in the seat. "That's the benefit of owning this place, I guess."

Killua scrunched his nose. It was really the only reason he went here as much as he did. Kurapika gave him the 20% family discount, after all.

The two had met in high school, when Kurapika was a senior and Killua was a sophomore. The two of them had been in the same art class, which got Kurapika interested in Killua's drawings.

It had been a year since Kurapika inherited the cafe from his grandfather, since the old man retired and wanted to leave it to someone responsible. Ironically, whenever Killua saw Kurapika at the cafe, he never actually saw him working.

"Weren't you supposed to be a lawyer?"

Kurapika shrugged. He'd talked about it enough in high school, but as he'd said, and as Kurapika's grandfather had said before him, dreams changed. "I think I prefer this smaller stuff. I don't know anymore how I would do in a big city, or with that kind of hectic life. I wouldn't mind staying at the cafe."

It was then that the door to the cafe flew open, causing a few startled hipsters or writers to jump, and the two looked over to be greeted by the sight of Leorio, a built teen with him.

"Kurapika," he announced with a wave, his long legs heading to their table in the back corner. "You remember what we were talking about a couple nights ago?"

Kurapika regarded him with narrowed eyes while Leorio's friend followed him in. "I didn't think it would be this soon," the blond said, disgruntled, before looking behind him.

"Hi!" Despite his rather grown appearance, Leorio's friend grinned with such a grin Killua couldn't bring himself to look anywhere else.

"So, Kurapika, Killua, I'd like to introduce you to my friend, known him since I was in high school. He was always a bit of a weirdo."

"And now you're the weirdo?" Killua quipped. "I mean, at least he looks his age and not forty."

"Like I said before, Gon. Killua's a brat," Leorio said, turning to the teen beside him.

"Wait, Leorio's not forty?" The teen asked with a teasing tone. Killua smiled and high-fived him.

"Yep. I already like him. You have a good taste in friends, Liorio."

"Leorio," he corrected, glaring. "Anyway, you two, this is Gon."

"Cool name," Killua commented, holding out his hand, which Gon shook.

"Killua has a cool name, too!"

The teen in question looked over at Leorio. "How are you friends with this guy, he seems too nice for you." Leorio huffed.

"How are you friends with Kurapika?"

"Touché."

By the time Thursday rolled around, Killua was nearly pulling his hair out. The headaches had gotten worse, and he'd found himself curled into a ball in the shed, pain like daggers pounding into his head.

His hands were shaking, too unsteady to even dream of painting in this condition. And that was really the only way he knew how to deal with it when he got like this.

Thursday. He had one more day to go before the interview, and for that, he had to be presentable. Presentable wasn't cowering on the floor in an old shed.

He couldn't help it though. By this stage of withdrawal, the headaches had faded to make way for aches that encompassed his entire body. His bones creaked, his muscles felt as though they were too weak to support him.

Under normal circumstances, he wouldn't have let himself get this deep into withdrawal; he always got more when he started experiencing the headaches. And this was only two days in- 'after a binge,' his mind supplied. He couldn't imagine how he might be feeling tomorrow, not to mention on Saturday.

He put his forehead to his knees, taking in a trembling breath.

The door creaked menacingly. Near silent footsteps echoed through the shed and pounded like tiny hammers in Killua's head. He shut his eyes tightly. A gentle rustle of clothing scraped against his ears, then everything was silent.

"Lu-nii," was the quiet voice that spoke. Killua opened his eyes and looked over to Kalluto. The seventeen-year-old was sitting cross legged, wearing one of Illumi's old shirts. "It feels like a funeral."

Killua set his mouth into a line and looked at the floor, chin resting on his knees.

"You're upset because father is looking out for you." As if he knew Killua wouldn't respond, Kalluto spoke again, determined to carry the conversation himself if the need presented itself. "People won't respect you if they think you're a troublemaker."

"Says the person who almost joined a gang," Killua grumbled through a scratchy throat.

Kalluto replied with a sigh and a shake of the head. "They weren't a gang."

"Too old to be your friends anyway; they were four years older than you."

Silence followed, until Kalluto rested his head on Killua's arched back. "You should visit home more. Mother doesn't let me visit you. She doesn't like your apartment." A hand rested on his spine then, in an awkward embrace. "I want my brother back, Lu-nii."

The words struck into Killua's heart. He could physically feel the rapid palpitations that rippled through him. He shut his eyes once again, curling in on himself once again while he felt Kalluto drift away and heard the door to the shed once again.

He was left in his pain. Physical and emotional.

Another breath escaped him before he heard his phone go off across the room, he had no idea why it had been on vibrate, but it was.

He stood on shaking legs and kept a steadying hand on the wall as he moved forward, steps slow, and carefully reaching the other side of the room.

There was a reason he never let it get this far, because he never knew what would happen. And now he did, now he lived it.

He looked at the text and his heart pounded in his ears.

Gon: Heyy Killua do you want to get food with me sometime? Sunday?

He smiled past the pain at Gon's words. He didn't think the teen would text him, really. He didn't expect it. But he was glad. Gon's innocence seemed to radiate from his phone at the text.

So he answered.

'Yeah. Sunday would be great.'


	3. On Me

Killua was woken by a heavy knock on his bedroom door at four a.m, Saturday morning. He groaned, pushing himself up from the embracing mattress, really not wanting to get up. Especially not at four in the freaking morning.

He shuffled to the door, opening it slowly and blinking at the person on the other side. "Oh, hey, Gotoh."

The butler gave him a small smile before walking past him into the room, followed by a trail of butlers, with his father bringing up the end of the line.

"What's with the small army, dad?"

The man said nothing, and he wouldn't have had any time to before the butlers began getting Killua ready, one of them pulling his suit out of a clothing bag he hadn't noticed before.

The moment they began tugging at his shirt was the moment Killua had to stop them.

"Okay, okay, okay, okay," he said, hands pushing them away. "I'll change my own clothes, wait for me in the living room."

He shied away from Silva's cold eyes as the man and his army left the room.

And then Killua was alone.

"Fuck," he sighed, rubbing his eyes. He was not awake enough for this right now. Who in their right mind wakes up at four in the morning anyway?

Apparently, his father.

He tugged off his shirt, blinking away the sleep from his eyes. He better get some motherfucking coffee before this interview or else he might fall asleep right then and there.

The teen hadn't worn a suit for a long time, maybe not since his last high school dance. Which he went to with Senritsu. Because both of them wanted to go, and neither could find a date. Back when they were seniors and basically crashed the prom with their horrible dancing.

He prided himself on his ability to stay out of family matters, but here he was, smack in the middle of them. He really needed to brush up on his avoidance skills. Of course, this whole thing was his fault anyway.

He emerged from his room around 4:15, fully dressed in his suit and dark gray tie. His father nodded, eyes glancing over his hair that remained one big mass of white fluff that both knew would never allow itself to be tamed.

With narrowed eyes, Killua asked the questions that had been bothering him. "So why did you wake me up this early anyway? And how the hell did you get into my apartment?"

"You sleep like a log when you're high, I wanted to make sure I could wake you. And I had a key made for your apartment just in case something like this were to happen," was Silva's unsatisfactory answer.

"You had a key made for my apartment," Killua repeated, face in his hand.

"Yes," as if it were the most normal thing in the world.

Maybe not normal for normal people, but these were the Zoldycks. They were probably the least normal family known to man.

"How long do we have before we have to get to the show?"

Silva glanced at his watch. "We leave soon. The set's on the other side of Padokea, it should take a couple hours to get there."

"Early means I get coffee, right," Killua asked, a yawn following, stretching out his arms and hearing his back pop.

"Early means we both get coffee. No cream or sugar, if I remember," Silva answered with a nod, standing from his seat on the couch. Killua nodded. Despite his love for sweet things, he couldn't stomach them in his coffee. The hot, bitterness always managed to wake him up, and while he was a light sleeper, he was never really a morning person. Coffee made him sociable.

The same went for his father. The man was absolutely antisocial without it.

Of course, this feuled Killua's theory about why he was the heir when Illumi was honestly the better choice.

Sometimes, he just thought Silva had too high of hopes for him.

He followed his father out and into the car that waited outside the apartment. Sometimes he wondered what the neighbors thought of it, whenever his father's cars would come to pick him up for events and the like.

The car pulled away, and Killua leaned back in his seat. He figured that he should be careful, though, or else he would fall asleep in the car and wrinkle his suit.

And his father couldn't risk him being out of sorts on television. That would just ruin the family name.

So Killua leaned his head back, eyes tired and straining while the care drove onto the on-ramp of the freeway.

Shame, he didn't even have any music to make the trip bearable. No one he regularly contacted would be awake right now, all four of them. They would be enjoying the sleep that summer vacation allowed them. And unless Silva woke the entire house on his way out, which was a distinct possibility, he didn't have any family members to talk to either.

He rested his head on his hand, eyes going out to the urban part of the city that rested just beyond and underneath the freeway. Illumi would probably be awake right now, actually, now Killua was thinking about it. That dork, he scrunched his nose.

"Killua," his father's gruff voice drew his attention and he glanced over. Silva was seated in one of the seats against the wall, far from Killua, yet close at the same time, considering they were in the same car.

"Yeah," he acknowledged, the single word clipped and as brief as it could possibly be.

"There are a few things I don't want you to talk about during this interview." He'd seen this coming, and had already figured.

"Drugs, right?"

"And Alluka."

He nodded, knowing. He'd figured the drugs, since the interview was supposed to clear up that whole issue, and keeping Alluka out of the public eye was no new issue.

One would be right to say that Alluka was the black sheep of the Zoldyck family, so much so, that she even attended her high school under a different name.

And so, they just didn't talk about her. Killua couldn't explain it much further than that.

He nodded anyway, looking back to the cityscape rushing by, building after building, some graffitied, others not. He saw some of the letters on the supports of an off-ramp, and found himself wondering how it got up there. If they would use a rope and climb down, maybe?

Before he knew it, the car was turning off of the freeway and into the six a.m. traffic. He'd already spent two hours with his father and had maybe two half-conversations. For someone so involved in his life, he remained rather distant.

He didn't know how much longer they had before their arrival at the studio, but figured it wouldn't be long. Granted that he had no idea where in Padokea the studio was.

The car turned down a random side street and gradually slowed, that was how he knew they had ten, twenty minutes tops before they got to the studio.

And he was right, too. It wasn't long before they arrived at the studio where Biscuit Kreuger filmed her show.

Killua was proud to admit that he'd never seen an episode of Ms. Kreuger's show. But he'd heard all about it from Alluka, who was an avid watcher. Intrigue, drama, politics. And beauty tips because, hey, it was Biscuit Kreuger he was talking about.

The security let them pass with barely more than a glance, probably because of the ungodly hour, even though it was maybe six o' clock now, instead of four. Killua followed his father inside the large, hangar-like building with its tall white metal walls and beams supporting the weight of the ceiling. He'd never done one of these full-blown interviews before, so he generally had no idea what to do or what was going on.

Anyone who didn't know the nature of the Zoldyck family would have compared him to a little duck, following his father around. Anyone who did, would have described it as a prisoner being led to the gallows.

"Come to defend your honor?"

Killua noticed the shift in Silva's stance, where once he had been walking with such surety and pride, now there was defense and aggression as the man paused and turned toward the hallway the question had come from.

"Why are you here?" Silva all but growled at the stranger, the man's blue eyes narrowing viciously.

Then, a man emerged from the shadows, one Killua had seen once or twice on the television, a member of congress or something like that. He had spiky hair, like Leorio's, but a rounder face.

"Bisky's an old friend, just visiting her before she has to deal with the barbarians that are the Zoldycks."

"It was you wasn't it," Silva took a step toward the man in the suit, while Killua took a step back from both of them. Every bone in his body was warning him that this wasn't something he wanted to get involved with. "You got your rat to follow my kid."

"You just have to find the trouble child, really. It wasn't hard."

Killua found himself studying the man closely. Those eyes. They looked so familiar. But different.

"Goodbye," Silva turned suddenly, back in the direction they were heading before. "Killua. Come on."

And Killua did, watching the man curiously as he passed him. The man grinned and waved.

Once they were far enough away, Killua got enough guts to ask the question that had been bothering him.

"Who was that?"

The answer was unsatisfactory. It had only made Killua frown, none the wiser.

"Someone I hope you will never meet again."

* * *

The crowd cheered as Biscuit Kreuger took the stage. She had her blonde hair up in a messy bun, a dress that was too pink for Killua's liking.

But he couldn't complain, really. The couch set up for her guests was comfy and he nursed a cup of coffee that he drank from gratefully.

And so the crowd quieted when it became clear Biscuit was going to talk.

"Good morning, everyone! Today on our show we have the new breakout band Lone Wolves playing 'Don't Die 'Till You're Dead,' exciting! But first, we have a very special guest. Mr. Silva Zoldyck, himself, accompanied by his son and heir, Killua. So make sure to give a warm welcome to them! But first, a bit about me..."

That was about when Killua started to tune her out, sipping some more of his coffee. From the corner of his eye, he saw a young man with long black hair hauling an amp backstage.

He figured he must have been a member of the Wolf band.

"And now, the Zoldycks!"

The crowd clapped, while Silva stood, a quick nod that Killua supposed meant that he should do the same, so he stood up, setting his coffee on the convenient table in front of them.

Biscuit joined them and shook their hands before sitting in the single seat, the two of them following after quickly.

"So, Silva. Why did you decide to bring your son along with you?"

'Good question,' Killua thought, taking his coffee back from the table and drinking some. It would be out soon, pity.

"Well, I figured that since he's going to take over the company in my place one day soon, that he becomes comfortable in these types of situations."

'Bull shit.'

"Isn't that smart. What do you think, Killua, about these steps your father is taking to prepare you for your near future," Biscuit asked as she leaned forward, pink eyes settled on Killua.

He leaned back, coffee rested on his knee. "That's another good question," he commented, "and I'm afraid I'm not going to give you the answer you're looking for. You see, I don't even think he should be taking these steps for me. I'm probably the least qualified out of all of us to run the company. I do have a theory that I've been working on about why it is that he chose me to run it."

Biscuit's eyes sparkled with interest. "And what is that theory?"

"I'm only heir because I'm the one who looks the most like dad. Illumi, Milluki, both would be better choices. Both have more experience with the company than I do. But, two reasons their not the heir. Both have black hair and dark eyes, not the Zoldyck traditional white and blue. It would be a travesty, an utter disregard for the rules to make them heir. Or at least, that's my theory.

"My dad, you know, only child. Of course it was going to be him. But to choose the third out of f-four. It's obvious he didn't choose me because I'm the smartest, that would probably be Milluki, or the most ambitious, Illumi, or even the most subordinate, Kalluto. I'm just the awkward third child that doesn't understand why all of these responsibilities are being put on him."

He could feel Silva tensing at his side.

Good, that'll teach him not to bring Killua to things like this.

"Wow, what do you have to say about this, Silva?"

Killua's father's jaw was set,and the man was obviously considering his words carefully.

"I would have honestly preferred if this topic hadn't been brought up, but now there's no preventing it. I just have to say, out of all of my children, Killua is the one I see most of myself in. It's not just appearance; he acts like me, too. So if it had seemed strange, my choice in him to be heir, it was only because I wanted the company to be stagnant in its ownership. Milluki, as Killua knows, doesn't care much for the company. Illumi has thrown himself into it for as long as he could, but he was always too manipulative, never showing any signs that he would be a good leader. A good businessman, sure, but not a leader."

Biscuit nodded and sat back in her seat. "Now, how about we tackle the subject and question that's on everyone's minds. The picture that was taken last Saturday of him in a club. Killua, would you like to explain it?"

He gave a single nod. "Well, um," he began because quite honestly, he didn't remember that night. He remembered the morning clearly enough though. A splitting headache can do that. He had been preparing his story all week, a precious little lie that he now felt wouldn't be believable.

"I guess I should start by saying that the things people are saying about it aren't true. I looked it up yesterday, none of them were very nice. There was one thing, a man speculating that I'd probably tried to... hurt people... while I was intoxicated. But that was all just... just gossip anyway..." He had to pause, feeling the discomfort of emotion raise in his chest. "It's like when people come out and say that their kid belongs to Illumi, you know. Kind of unbelievable, he's very faithful to his fiance. Never really looked at anyone before him either.

"So I guess it kind of goes like this. What people are saying happened in that picture, they're probably wrong. I was just having fun. It was a few days before my birthday, I wanted to hang out with people and have fun because nineteen is when all the responsibilities start piling up and people start to expect me to be heir of Zoldyck Enterprises." He shrugged.

"Do you think you can live up to their expectations?"

Everything was quiet for a few minutes before Killua gave his steady answer.

"No. I don't think I can."

* * *

"Killua."

"Hmm?"

"You've been kind of quiet. Is there something on your mind?"

He looked up from his plate and into the hazel eyes watching him. Putting his fork down, he drew his lips into a thin line.

"Sorry, I've had a lot on my mind all week. I guess I'm in shock that it's all over now."

Gon nodded. "Kurapika told me about that. I watched a little bit of it on YouTube, too. I think you did well."

"I did?"

"Yeah, I don't think I'd ever be able to BS an entire interview on live television and make it look completely honest."

Killua laughed. "Hey, hey. I wasn't lying, I was telling the truth. Just maybe not all of it. I was telling the truths that would make everyone happy."

Gon nodded. "Just don't do that with me, yeah? I want to get to know Killua for himself and not who he wants people to think he is."

And Killua concured. He didn't think he could lie to Gon if he tried. Maybe that was what made him seem so approachable at first. What dragged him off the floor and what made him want to go on this date and look forward to it. Gon was so good. Killua couldn't really care what happened tomorrow anymore. He had that moment, of looking over a basket of bread in the middle of a crowded restaurant that was maybe too noisy into Gon's eyes that held so much warmth and happiness.

Killua found himself smiling again, at the thought, and looking away, cheeks reddening.

Goodness, he didn't even think he had an embarrassing bone in his body, where the hell did that come from?

"Killua."

"Hmm?"

"I was wondering. Would you like to go out again sometime? Maybe to a movie or something?"

His eyes darted back to Gon, who was smiling. He hadn't expected this. Sure, he liked Gon well enough, found him easy to talk to and get along with, but this... He hadn't expected a second date.

"Yeah," he said, albeit a little quickly, so he cleared his throat and straightened his posture, "I would love to. Anytime that's good for you."

When did this start, he found himself wondering while Gon beamed at him from across the table.

When had his life gotten so good?


	4. Make

Killua couldn't stop checking his phone. His leg was bouncing, his entire body full of nervous energy.

He had another date with Gon tonight. It would be their fourth.

Goddammit, Killua was excited.

He liked Gon, a lot. Maybe more than he should. He learned lots of things that he liked about Gon over these past few months with him. He liked it when Gon smiled, when he laughed, when he caught Gon looking at him and Gon looked away with a slight blush. He liked that best.

Sometimes he'd get the creeping feeling that he didn't deserve Gon, and then Gon would go do something sweet, like he did during their third date, when he took Killua's hand, looked into Killua's eyes, leaned in...

And kissed him on the cheek.

Killua had blushed furiously, trying to stop the grin that was fighting its way onto his lips.

Tonight, though. Tonight, Killua would take the first step. He wanted to. He'd never moved this slowly in a relationship before. If it was okay with Gon, if Gon let him...

He checked his phone again.

He was already dressed and showered, had been for hours, and he was sitting on the couch, shaking in excitement and waiting for Gon to text him that he was there. He clenched and unclenched his hands as his heart raced.

Senritsu looked up from the sheet that she'd been working on, writing music as she was ought to do, and smiled at him.

"Killua, it's only 5:30. You agreed he'd be here in thirty minutes."

Killua stood. "I can't wait! I can't, I can't. I'm just-"

"I know, you're excited. It's good to see you like this Killua, cute even. I've never seen you like this before."

"I'm not cute, don't call me cute. Sheesh."

He smiled a little at Senritsu, who went back to writing her music. There was an unspoken "oh quiet you, you're adorable," hanging in the air as Killua threw himself down on the couch.

Killua Zoldyck was a very impatient man. That was something Gon already knew, as he was sure he'd displayed it in the past, and he was sure he'd get the full brunt of it when he arrived- Killua glanced at the clock- in thirteen minutes.

He had to wait for thirteen more motherfucking minutes.

So he closed his eyes and laid dormant on the couch until the gentle knock on the door rang through the house.

He sat up, blinking as his vision grayed for a few moments before launching himself off of the couch and to the door. He froze at the door.

Gon shouldn't see him look this eager, it could scare him away. Killua shut his eyes and took a few deep breaths, running a hand through his hair and straightening out his clothes. And then he grabbed the door knob.

He couldn't believe himself, he couldn't believe he was actually nervous. His eyes flickered to the door and he willed himself to open it.

"If you can't, I will," he heard Senritsu quip from her chair. Honestly.

He twisted the door knob and smiled at the teen awaiting on the other side.

Sweet mother of fuck, Gon looked nice in a hoodie. Killua stopped himself before his eyes slipped down Gon's entire body. Gon simply smiled at him. Of course, every smile Gon ever smiled was like a million suns congregating in the sky and threatening to melt Killua and-

Fuck. Why was he so embarrassing?

Gon held out his hand, and Killua took it.

* * *

They were walking by a river, hand in hand. Killua couldn't believe it, at all. He couldn't believe any of this.

He didn't deserve Gon, that was all he could think. He didn't deserve any of this, yet here he was.

Gon stopped, eyes fixed on the light's reflection in the water. Killua couldn't blame him. The city lights reflecting on the water were beautiful, ripples of white and yellow and blue. Gon's fingers tightened around his, and he felt the heat raise into his cheeks once again.

"Killua," Gon said, he sounded as though he was thinking, and thinking hard about something. Killua glanced over and found Gon looking at him once more. Those focused, determined hazel eyes were locked onto him, and Killua found he couldn't move, a deer in headlights.

He couldn't say anything, not when Gon was being so intense.

"Would it be okay," Gon took a step forward, and Killua's heart began racing, "if I kissed you?"

He froze, couldn't hear a thing. Apparently the two of them had similar thoughts about this date.

"Yeah," he nodded, "yeah, you can."

Gon smiled and got closer. Killua couldn't breath.

And then he did.

Gon's hand had traveled to his lower back while the other took refuge on the back of his neck.

In Killua's opinion, the kiss didn't last long enough. He'd had a taste, and he wanted more.

He wanted to feel Gon's lips again; he didn't care where, whether it was on his cheeks, his lips. He just wanted to feel them.

So he leaned forward and claimed Gon's mouth.

First, he would notice Gon's scent, he would notice Gon's taste, the way he felt. The way those arms wrapped around him and kept him close.

Sweet mercy, Gon was intoxicating.

He pulled away from Gon, once again.

They were taking it slowly, he remembered, and while he couldn't stand it, he felt that it worked for them.

He knew some things about Gon. Mostly about his childhood on Whale Island, and how his aunt had moved them when he was going into high school.

Gon knew things about him. About his own childhood, and his siblings. About Alluka, despite his father's want to keep her a secret. About his paintings and the old shed.

Gon smiled at him, taking his hand again.

"Do you want to go get something to eat?"

"We just came from dinner, Gon," he smiled and glanced at Gon as the teen began moving, pulling Killua along with him, down the path by the river.

"Yeah, but... I don't want you to go, yet, Killua."

Killua smiled, a slight blush forming. "B-baka. We don't need to be eating if you want me to stay. W-we could... Keep walking."

"Killua's so cute when he blushes."

He felt the blush intensify. "D-don't say things like that. It's embarrassing."

That comment didn't dissuade Gon, though. Gon beamed and pulled Killua close.

"Killua's sweet too, like candy. And his lips are really soft."

Killua couldn't control his blush anymore, he was sure that by now, his entire face was red. Gon hummed and tucked a white lock behind Killua's ear.

"Very cute."

He led them to a bench overlooking the river then, sitting down with Killua beside him, and their hands interwoven.

"Killua?"

Killua looked over at him, noticing how the amber eyes sang a different tune now.

"Yeah?"

Gon seemed hesitant, and Killua tried to reassure him by squeezing his hand.

"What were you really doing in that picture," Gon looked at him now, as he asked the question. Killua looked away, guilty because he really couldn't remember, sorry because he couldn't give Gon the one hundred percent accurate answer he wanted.

"Something stupid, probably."

* * *

He needed a distraction, something that swept away this pervasive heat he felt throughout his body. His fingers threaded through his hair as he curled up on the floor of his room.

He shouldn't. He really shouldn't.

The problem was that he knew where the pills were, he knew where he'd put them. But he never thought that he'd actually ever feel like he would need them to help him cope with a change.

Gon was a big change. The way he'd swept into Killua's life and thrown everything upside down. Had made him feel like for once in his life he could actually have something good...

Killua reached under his bed and pulled out a small black shoebox, something from something Senritsu had bought because they matched her favorite hat? Really, she only bought them because Alluka pressured her into it.

And he opened the box, a small plastic bag sat on the inside, in it a few little white pills, each individually marked with D.

He took out the bag and opened it, pulling one of the chalky white pills out. It had been a while since he'd last taken one. He'd gone through the more intense symptoms of withdrawal already. If he took another, it wouldn't hurt.

It was a split second decision of whether or not he wanted to take it.

But Senritsu... He looked over to the door, pushing himself off the ground and heading to the door, closing it, and locking it, before backing away and sitting back on the ground. He opened his hand, looking again at the little white pill.

Senritsu wouldn't find out, he could seriously lay down, go on a trip, and feel better.

But he already felt great. He felt amazing. Gon made him feel amazing, and he couldn't understand any of it. Any of these feelings, really.

Killua sat on his bed, before closing his eyes.

It was a bad idea, he knew that. Senritsu wouldn't forgive him if she found out. Kurapika would probably rip out his intestines and hang him with them. Leorio... he didn't really care what Leorio thought, but he'd probably be angry and worried...

And Gon? Killua didn't want to think about what Gon would think if he found out about the drugs. Maybe he already knew. Maybe Kurapika and Leorio had already told him, but if that was so then why?

'Why is he still around?'

'Why does he stay with me?'

'Why does he confuse me?'

'Why does he care?'

Killua drew his knees up to his chest, resting his head on them and held the pill at a distance.

He could take it, but would it help him figure out everything? Would it help him cope with the change? Did it ever really help him?

All it did for him was give him a big black spot in his memory that he couldn't remember no matter how hard he tried. All it did was leave him with bruises and scratches. And one day, he knew it could leave him with worse...

"You're flirty when you're high." Yeah, he was bait.

He crushed the little white pill in his hand, only Gon on his mind and blew the dust off of his hand and watched it float like dust through the air...

He wanted to change. God dammit, he wanted to change...

And then...

And then his heart froze.

His blue eyes widened, and his breathing shallowed.

There had been so much thought he'd put into it, and now... he was doubting himself. Doubting his decision.

He shouldn't have crushed it. He should have taken it.

He needed it.

Killua scrambled forward, nearly throwing himself off of his bed and reached toward the plastic bag. He had plenty more. Maybe six or so in this batch, he could go get more from Rammot when he ran out, he could-

'I shouldn't.'

'But what am I without it? I'm just some spoiled trust fund kid who's a plague to society.'

'Maybe with the drugs, but without them. You have Kurapika, Senritsu, Leorio. Gon's never seen you high, you don't need to be...'

'Then that's what I am. I'm just a spoiled kid.'

He fished a pill out of the bag and slipped it into his mouth.

* * *

There was a pounding knock at the door when he woke up. His brow immediately furrowed. It couldn't be Senritsu. Senritsu never banged on his door, not like this. Senritsu was always so gentle, even when she was mad at him.

Killua pushed himself up off the floor and glared at the door. His head was starting to hurt, but he expected that.

"Killua! You better open this door! Before... Before... Before Kurapika breaks it down!"

Leorio?

He stood and unlocked that door as another barrage of knocks threatened to splinter the wood.

After the knocks subsided once again, Killua opened the door, looking up at an angry Leorio and behind him, a straight-faced Kurapika. He couldn't decide which one was worse.

"You have a lot of explaining to do," Leorio said this with a frown, stepping back from the door. Killua nodded and waved the concern away with his hand as he walked past.

"I know, I know," he mumbled, nursing his head with a hand and walking into the living area of the apartment.

He didn't raise his eyes, they were barely open anyway, as he sat down.

"Killua."

His heart cracked at the sound of that gentle voice, so full of concern. Concern for him... And he didn't deserve any of it.

"What's going on? Leorio called me in a panic, told me to get down here, that Senritsu was worried about you. What happened?"

He took in a shaky breath. "Well. It, uh, started when I turned seventeen," he felt a hand on his shoulder, and ducked his head. He couldn't look up, he couldn't look up. "I was in the city, didn't know where the hell I was. I was a stupid rich kid with money in my pocket, and I hear this noise... down an alley... so I go look, to make sure nothing was happening. I-I was stupid. I was so stupid."

"Killua, you don't have to-"

"Kurapika and Leorio don't know what happened, I mean. Kurapika met me before I was all messed up, and still bright eyed. Gon, I... I want you to know. I want you to know what you have to deal with." Killua took another deep breath before continuing his story.

"I saw this guy down the alley, red leather jacket, tattoos on his face, the kind of guy you'd introduce your parents to. He was doing a deal, and I saw him. And he saw me. He didn't get mad or anything, he just waved me over. Said, 'hey, kid. Want to see something cool?' And he gave me the first one. For free, and I... I looked at it. Little white thing. Smelt it, thought maybe it was a mint or something. I was stupid, I was so stupid. I took it right then and there. That's when everything in my life collapsed."

He buried his head in his hands.

"It's okay," Gon said softly, his hands moving to Killua's waist, leaning forward and kissing him on the nose and resting their foreheads together. "Killua, I'm right here. I'll help you in any way that I can."

And Killua felt stupid for it, but he believed him.


	5. My Soul

"I want to do something fun."

Killua looked up from his sketch book, where he was drawing something, he wasn't sure what yet, and at Gon.

"Yeah? Like what?"

Gon seemed to consider this for a while, and Killua looked back to his drawing. Which looked like Gon, and how Gon looked right now. With that glint in his eyes.

He startled a little before closing the notebook and meeting Gon's gaze again.

Light... his eyes were full of it. He had no idea why he hadn't thought of it before...

Killua's eyes sparked with an idea.

He stood up quickly, a smile on his face, and stepped back to get a good look at Gon, a picture forming in his mind as he did so.

"What is it, Killua?" Gon blinked to focus. "Do I have something on my face?"

"Can I paint you?"

Gon smiled, standing from the couch, the light seeming to spill out of him, filling the room.

"You want to paint me? That would be so cool!"

Killua was enraptured. He was... Gon was the embodiment of light. His. His own. Killua looked away, blushing slightly, nodding to the door.

"Come on, you dork. We have to get to my supplies before I start painting." As he walked to the door, Gon following, Killua felt the first flashes of pain in his head and his leg.

'God,' he thought in exasperation, 'if I don't die of a drug overdose, I'll die of a coffee or asprin overdose, I tell you.' He winced a little, wondering if it was, indeed, possible to die from overdosing on coffee.

* * *

They pulled up to the manor gates in Gon's car, his hand somehow migrated to Gon's, holding it. Killua liked how Gon didn't really mind, and held his back, rubbing his thumb over his knuckles gently every now and then in a motion that made his heart race and his face heat.

The gates opened slowly, and Gon pulled forward.

"This is a lot for just a house. You grew up here?" Gon was leaning forward, looking at the surroundings.

"Yeah, well, I wasn't kidding when I called myself a stupid rich kid," he shrugged, tightening his grip on Gon's hand. "My parents only like the best."

He turned away, gaze turned out the window, and for a sneaking moment, he could see Gon look at him in the reflection.

He looked up when Gon started to brake, confused, until he saw one of the butlers standing in front of the car.

He glared, not just any butler.

She bowed and went to the driver's side window, as Gon rolled it down.

"Hi!" Gon waved, all bright sunny smiles.

"Is there a problem, officer?" Killua leaned over from the passenger seat, momentarily releasing Gon's hand. The butler, Tsubone, simply smiled.

"I'll take your car the rest of the way to the garage," she said, "and we hope that you stay for dinner. Your sister's request." Her eyes gleamed with the last sentence, peering at Killua, who sighed and laid his head against Gon's arm.

He couldn't say no to Alluka, and Tsubone knew that.

And even though Alluka was a secret, saying sister's request was perfectly fine, most people thought Kalluto was a girl, and were pretty surprised when they learned otherwise. Especially when they heard that he was seventeen.

"You okay with that, Gon? Meeting the folks and all?"

"Yeah," he nodded, "I'd love to meet your sister; she sounds awesome."

Killua could feel Tsubone's gaze like daggers shooting into him as he raised his head and looked her in the eye. "We'll be at dinner, tell Alluka. But for now, we'll be in the shed."

He turned away then, unbuckling himself and hopping out the passenger side. "Come on, Gon," he beckoned. "It's in walking distance."

* * *

Gon's eyes were wide amber disks, taking in the forest around them. "This is amazing!" Killua nodded, patting a tree as they passed it.

"Yeah, great grandpa probably would've gone crazy if he hadn't had the trees to come out to. He used to use the shed as a workshop, he'd carve things out of wood with a little knife. When I took over it, I had to sweep out all the leftover shavings. Maha isn't the neatest person you'll meet, and sometimes he goes in there to carve while I paint. We don't really talk much, though. Too busy concentrating." He scrunched his nose as he stepped over a trunk.

"Your great grandfather still lives here?"

Killua looked back and saw the look on Gon's face, eyebrows raised, smiling, eyes always so wide.

"Well, yeah. There's four generations of us under one roof, imagine how easy history essays were."

"My aunt Mito and I live with my great grandmother. She's really nice, you would like her, Killua. She'd like you too."

Killua couldn't stop the smile. "I'm sure. Old people are affable; they like everyone."

"Mito, too. She'd like you."

He shook his head, stifling the rising laugh. In Killua's eyes, it took a miracle for anyone to actually like him. Kurapika and Senritsu were just strokes of luck. Leorio was a complete accident. Gon was the lottery.

He led Gon through the trees to the small wooden shed.

He let himself in and held the door open for Gon. There were a few fresh wood shavings, but his great grandfather was nowhere to be seen.

"That old bastard," Killua grumbled as he grabbed the broom from the corner. "If he's going to work in here, he's gotta learn how to clean." He swept the shavings away from the corner, feeling not animosity but fondness for Maha.

"These are really good, Killua."

He paused his sweeping and glanced back, where Gon was kneeling and looking at one of the finished pieces, eyes wide. It was a kind of old one he'd painted of Kalluto and Zeno. Kalluto was maybe fourteen when he did it, and he was dressed in traditional Azian clothing, a fan in his hand with a cloud of paper scraps swirling above him. Beside him, Zeno was dressed similarly, posed to strike with a flaming dragon behind the two of them, facing to the right of the canvas. Killua had a lot of fun with that one, and Zeno had gave it a thumbs up, had even nearly bought it from him before Killua's father had stepped in to prevent the old man from giving him a wad of hundreds.

Gon looked back at Killua. "Do you have an idea for mine?" He nodded to the canvas on the easel in the middle of the room.

"It was this thing I've been wanting to paint for a while now, I just, didn't know what the subject would be and then I met you and you fit it so well..."

Gon stepped up to it. "So, what will it be?"

Killua's eyes brightened as he stepped forward and looked at it. "The embodiment of light." Beside him, Gon smiled.

"Why didn't you paint yourself into it then, Killua?"

In response, Killua blushed, sputtered, and let out a creative line of curses, all the while turning away from Gon, collecting his paints and directing Gon in front of him, where the models always stood.

"There," Killua said abruptly, interrupting his own swears. "Now, um. Turn around, back facing me, a little more to the right, so you're in the light. Look over your shoulder, at me, left. No, Gon. It's both of our lefts. Okay. Okay."

He held his hands out, making a rectangle with his fingers and peering through it at Gon, stepping back a ways and squinting.

Gon was smiling, looking straight at him, turned a little, but with the sun hitting him just like that...

"Holy shit," Killua whispered, amazed at how lucky he was to be painting this... this god.

"Am I good where I am, Killua?"

He blinked a few times, nodding. "Yeah, yeah, you're good." Of course he was good. He looked amazing. Killua marveled at how lucky he was in general. How did Gon, of all people, end up with him?

He walked up to the canvas and looked over at Gon, who's eyes were glistening, Killua couldn't tell what it was that he held in them though.

He picked up his pencil and began sketching Gon into the center, right where the opening was.

* * *

They took a break just before six, Gon having to pull Killua away from the canvas because of how entranced he was. The sketching had, thankfully, been finished, and Killua had been touching it up.

"Killua, it's time for dinner," Gon said as he led Killua away, a hand on each of his shoulders.

"But. The art. I'm arting. I have to keep-" In vain, Killua reached back to the easel. Gon shushed him softly, shaking his head.

"Food is also important, yeah? Yummy yummy food."

Killua sighed, leaning a little into Gon's chest. "Fine." He pouted for a moment. "What if I'm not hungry?"

His stomach was quick to betray him, growling out its need. Killua groaned as Gon laughed.

"This traitorous bastard, I swear."

Gon led Killua onto the path that led up to the house and toward the promise of food.

* * *

"Onii-chan!"

The moment they crossed the threshold into the dining room of the Zoldyck manor, Killua was glomped, causing him to fall back into Gon, who braced for the three of them. Alluka squeezed Killua's torso, pressing her face into his chest. His hands threaded through the long black hair.

"You came to dinner! I told Tsubone, I told her. If it was you, tell you to come up and here you are! Onii-chan, I'm so happy," Alluka said into his chest, before stepping back.

Killua raised a brow immediately. "You're wearing makeup; why are you wearing makeup?" He looked up and around at the other people in the room. Kalluto was sitting at the table beside their mother, Illumi was further down the line next to Hisoka. Zeno and Maha seemed to be in debate about something, but Killua couldn't hear at all what it was about. Silva was also at the table, at the head, scowling at his glass.

"There's a party later that dad's letting me go to."

Killua turned his gaze back to Alluka, where she was looking at him proudly, before he nodded. "Just be careful, okay. Be like Kurapika."

Alluka rolled her eyes at that and turned to the table. As she walked away, Killua nodded to Gon, and they went to the table.

When they sat, Hisoka and Illumi paused in their conversation, looking across the table to where they were. The two smiled, and Killua got a creeping feeling in his chest.

"Nice to see you again, Killua-kun," Hisoka said happily with a slight wave, and earned a glare from Killua.

"Shouldn't you be hiding under beds and frightening children?"

Hisoka raised his brows and pressed a hand to his chest, his look one of feigned hurt. Killua nodded to him, turning to Gon.

"The creep with the red hair is Hisoka," he said. "Beside him is my brother." He pursed his lips. "They're okay, I guess."

"You wound me." Hisoka pouted at him.

"And no doubt you're the one that's been keeping my dear brother so busy he doesn't even have time to come over or talk any more," Illumi regarded Gon with a raised brow.

"Oh, I didn't mean to do anything like that, we've just been spending a lot of time together. And it's really fun too. Because I really like Killua."

Killua fought back the blush that threatened to creep at those words.

Hisoka and Illumi exchanged a look, and his fondness (embarrassment? What could he call that feeling that Gon made rise up inside of him?) was quickly exchanged with dread.

The two, with icy yellow and dark brown eyes, examined Gon.

"So," Illumi said slowly as the butlers brought out the first course. "What are your intentions with my brother?"

"I-intentions?" Gon stammered, as Killua pressed the heel of his hand into his forehead.

'Of course this is happening,' he mentally sighed.

"Yes. Surely you know of the rumors about him floating around the public sphere, also of how he stands to inherit the company. So, what do you want with him?"

"I don't understand your question. I..." Gon paused, looking at his plate for a moment before looking back to Hisoka and Illumi. "I don't care about the inheritance, it's honestly not even something that comes to mind when I think of Killua. I don't care about the rumors, either. I just care about Killua. I want to make Killua happy."

Hisoka hummed. "But how do we know you're telling the truth?"

"Why would I not tell the truth? Killua is my best friend, boyfriend, too. I want him to be happy." He reached over and took Killua's hand. Killua couldn't fight the blush anymore, his face thoroughly red.

"How about we eat." He managed to get out, turning his attention to his plate, rather than Gon or Illumi or Hisoka.

There was a bang as the doors to the dining room opened.

"You started dinner without me?"

As it was, they'd all sort of forgotten that Milluki existed.


	6. A New

It was night.

The moon was waxing, or waning. Killua forgot which one meant which sometimes, he wasn't an astrology major after all.

And it was quiet, despite Gon's presence at his feet, his fingers rolling the bottoms of his pants, and tugging at them. He was reading, but got bored, and looked off into the distance, which happened to be the window by the door. The shades were open. He could see the sky.

He probably would have preferred it if he could have seen the stars as well, but he always kind of gave up on that wish. Padokea wasn't a city he could look at stars in, it was too bright, too big.

He jumped a little, tingles running up his leg when he felt Gon's finger lightly trail up his foot, making his knees feel weakened. He turned his attention to Gon, who was smiling at him.

"Did that feel good?"

Killua felt his face heat up, his heart already beating quickly from that look in Gon's eyes. He looked away, muttering a quiet "baka."

There was some silence as Gon continued to trace the lines on Killua's foot before Killua spoke.

"Can I ask you something? About what you said at dinner?"

"Is something wrong, Killua?"

"No, no, I just... I guess I'm a little... shocked. I didn't really know what to think when you, well, when you said that you really like me. And that you want me to be happy." He sat up, still not looking at Gon. Gon got up too, moving Killua's legs from his lap and shifting closer, moving his hand to Killua's jaw.

"Killua. I don't just really like you, you know. I was just saying that in front of Illumi. Illumi's kind of scary. So was Hisoka. But I was waiting for a good time, and that wasn't it, so I didn't say it." Gon leaned closer, his lips hovering just beyond Killua's, his hand shifting from the jaw to the back of the neck, his fingers entangling with Killua's hair.

"Say what?" Killua whispered, eyes closing. His heart had somehow managed to climb from his chest to his throat.

"I love you, Killua."

And then he couldn't breathe. He could only hear his heart beat in his throat, his eyes locked with Gon's.

He didn't know if he could say it back. Maybe that was what this strange feeling was inside of him. He couldn't ask Gon how he knew without making it sound like he was rejecting him, and Killua couldn't lie to Gon- Gon knew when he was lying. So he smiled, closed his eyes, and pressed his lips to Gon's.

Maybe love was what he was feeling anyway. He'd never felt it, never the romantic kind. He knew he loved Alluka, Kalluto, and Illumi, but Gon... Was that what being in love felt like? That his life would have been completely empty without Gon. That he'd be God knew where if he'd never met him.

He felt Gon's lips move against his amd he decided to make the next move, slipping his tongue into Gon's mouth. He heard a brief sound of surprise, but in the end Gon didn't seem to mind, just pulled him closer. And they kissed and it was magnificent.

Killua pulled away for a moment, eyes fluttering open and meeting Gon's. "Yeah. I love you too."

The smile that lit up Gon's face at those words warmed his chest, making him feel as though he were thawing, melting.

He pressed forward again, his fingers catching onto Gon's top and pulling him closer, taking his lips again in a kiss.

Being here with Gon made him feel anxious, nervous. He'd never really been in a relationship before, he'd never cared about someone in this way. His heart fluttered, his chest warmed, and he pulled Gon to him. Closer, closer.

He worked Gon's mouth open, feeling Gon's hands rest on his hip, and he pulled some more, laying the both of them back on the couch, Gon on top of him. He kissed Gon, and Gon kissed him back.

He pulled back again, looking into Gon's eyes, those amber eyes dancing.

"Gon... I..."

But he didn't say anymore, as Gon had moved forward again, kissing him, his hand trailing up from his hip, moving under his shirt and making Killua's breath catch as Gon took control. The dark-haired boy pulled away for a moment, looking at Killua, letting his eyes roam over the body beneath him.

"Killua. Is this okay?" He asked. "Can I... Can I touch you?"

Killua smiled, and pushed himself up, his lips hovering close to Gon's once more, his hand going flat on Gon's chest.

His throat felt tight, and he didn't trust himself to talk. Instead, he smiled, taking Gon's hand, the one that had slid up his side and rested on his ribs. He leaned his forehead against Gon's.

"Yeah," he nodded. However fast or however slow Gon wanted to go, Killua was happy enough just being near him, being close to him.

Gon worked off his tee shirt, pulling it over his puff of white hair; those intense and determined eyes took in the moon-like skin laid out beneath them, mapping the contours and ridges.

"Ne, Killua." Gon began, his eyes rising to meet Killua's, locking with them as he leaned down, body arching over Killua's. "You're really beautiful, you know that?" Gon pressed a kiss to his chest then. "So perfect."

Killua frowned at him and looked away. "Baka. You know I'm not."

Gon hummed, kissing Killua's ribs now, his hands on each side, holding him still despite how much he wanted to squirm.

"I think you're perfect. You're not just beautiful, Killua. You're smart. Brilliant. You're smarter than Kurapika. And you're talented, too. Your art is amazing, and I'm honored to be the subject of one of your paintings." He kissed him again. "You know how it's supposed to be the embodiment of light? I wasn't lying when I said it should have been you. To me, you're as magnificent as light. You keep it. You're my light, Killua."

Killua felt his face burn and pulled Gon up, capturing his mouth once more. "Sh-shut up..." he protested. "Shut up and kiss me, you idiot."

Gon grinned and did just that.

His tanned fingers slipped into the waistband of Killua's pants, the brush of skin against skin causing a shock to tingle up Killua's spine.

The white haired teen broke the kiss, gasping. "Christ," he breathed out. Gon's eyes sparkled.

"Did that feel good?" He asked, the question tinged with a darker tone, an echo of the question he'd asked before so innocently.

"Y-yeah. That felt amazing."

Gon straddled his waist and opened the button of his jeans. Killua sat up, his fingers touching Gon's wrist, the blue eyes alight.

"Gon. Are... are you sure?"

The young adult nodded, determined, and it only served to remind Killua that Gon was actually older than him, his birthday only a few months before Killua's.

His hand traced up to Gon's jaw and he pulled him back down, kissing him.

Killua had never been intimate with someone before. He'd had sex, sure. Lots of sex. But those times didn't count. He'd either been high off his ass or it hadn't mattered to him. But Gon... He cared about Gon. He didn't want to rush things with him.

But Gon seemed to have a different idea though, but Killua didn't mind. Killua had decided, from the feelings enticed in his body and the way his heart raced. He had undeniably fallen for Gon.

Gon shimmied his pants down his waist, and Killua lifted himself up off the couch.

He pulled away for a brief moment.

"Maybe we shouldn't do this here..." he said. "I mean. If we fall asleep... Senritsu could see us... The window's wide open..."

Gon looked over to the window, the moon's light filling the room.

"Ah, yeah. Good idea. Didn't think that far ahead..." Gon got off of Killua and stood, reaching his hand out.

Before taking it, he pulled up his pants, since there was no way in hell he'd hobble down the hall a quarter dressed and tripping on jeans that had fallen to his knees.

He took Gon's hand and pulled him to his bedroom, just down the hall, it's green door surprisingly still working after the pounding it had taken from Leorio.

Killua sat on his bed, still holding Gon's hand.

"You still want this, yeah?"

'You still want me?'

Gon grinned and kissed his hand sweetly. "Only if you do."

Killua's heart swelled. What did he do to deserve this?

He tugged Gon into a hard kiss, his mouth opening and his teeth nipping at Gon's bottom lip.

But even though he had been determined to take the dominance, Gon had taken it back, and Killua had gladly given it. With a hand resting on Killua's lower back, arching their bodies together, and the other on Killua's thigh, he pulled back, feeling Killua's hands slip underneath his shirt.

"You're still wearing yours." Killua explained. "It's not fair." Gon smiled at the comment and shed his own shirt.

He started to lean down again, but Killua held him still, hands on Gon's shoulders, eyes taking in the view, just as Gon had done.

Killua leaned up with a smirk after a moment, kissing Gon again, while Gon's hands worked at tugging down his pants. He picked himself off the bed, and they were soon off.

"So pretty," Gon whispered, slipping down and kissing Killua's hips. Killua let a near-silent moan slip from his lips.

"Yours too." He said, scratching at Gon's jeans with a toe. Gon answered with a laugh, and quickly shed his own, settling his hand on Killua's hip.

Gon hummed leaning in and nuzzling into Killua's hair. "You're nice, Killua."

Killua scoffed, entwining their hands. "Not nice. I just pretend to be nice, so that when I'm mean you're surprised and can't get rid of me."

Gon laughed and buried his face into Killua's neck.

"You're not mean to me."

"I am; you just don't notice, baka."

Killua startled when he felt Gon's hand move lower, touching his ass.

"G-Gon!"

The teen in question shot him a mischievous smile.

"You're not nervous, right? I won't do anything if you are." Those eyes were fixed on him again, and Killua nodded.

"Of course I'm not. I just don't want to push you."

Gon nodded and started to kiss his throat.

"I'm a little nervous," he said against Killua's throat. "But I feel like I'm ready. And I want this. With you." Gon shifted closer. "It can only be Killua."

Killua ran his hand through Gon's hair. "Okay. We can take it slow. Don't worry."

Gon moved again, leaning away from Killua and lifting off of him, hooking his thumbs into the waistband of his boxers, nodding to himself, before smiling at Killua and undressing him completely. Gon took off his own shortly.

Killua pulled Gon back to him, kissing him as he put his legs around Gon's waist.

"Killua," he whispered into the teen's ear.

"Whatever you're comfortable with, okay?" Killua answered, threading his fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck.

"I want to be in you."

Killua took in a quick breath. "Let me..."

He twisted and reached for his end table, grabbing lubricant and condoms from the drawer.

Gon nodded, taking them from Killua.

"You ready?"

"Not backing out."

Killua studied Gon for a moment.

"I can do it, if you'd like."

For a moment, Gon seemed to consider it before shaking his head. He covered his cock and finger with a gratified amount of lubricant before reaching down and pressing at Killua's entrance.

Then he pressed his finger in. Killua gasped at the pressure, his eyes squeezing shut.

"Yeah?" Gon looked up, checking on Killua.

"Y-yeah. K-keep going, y-you idiot."

"Killua," his voice was teasing.

"Sh-shut up."

Gon pressed it further in, up to the knuckle, causing Killua to arch and mewl at the stimulation.

Gon touched him again, moving forward and over him, placing kisses on his chest and throat while arching the finger inside of Killua.

"H-holy sh-shit!"

"Was that okay?"

"Oh my fucking... Do that again!"

Gon pressed further in once more, pressing against Killua's nerves and making his logical mind malfunction once more, before adding another finger.

Killua arched into Gon, wrapping an arm around him. "I'm r-ready if you a-are." He managed. Gon kissed his throat once more, nodding.

Killua hitched his legs around Gon's waist once more while Gon positioned himself before pressing his cock at Killua's entrance, causing the other to moan.

"D-do it."

Gon nodded again and thrust in, slowly, allowing Killua's body time to get used to him. Killua gasped, his hands searching for purchase on Gon's shoulders.

Gon kissed him again, his arms going around him, the taste so utterly familiar but still new.

Killua took Gon's hair in his hands and pushed Gon further in.

"K-Killua," he breathed out.

"J-just move. P-please."

And Gon did, thrusting in and out of Killua in a motion that utterly drowned him. A brief moan escaped his lips, and he could feel Gon's fingers tightening, his blunt nails scratching at Killua's back.

"K-Killua." Gon's voice was low, his eyes closed.

The white haired teen took Gon's face in his hands and kissed him again, taking his bottom lip between his teeth, and grinding his hips closer.

Gon reached down soon after that, taking Killua's cock into his hand, their mouths muffling the resulting moan, and began stroking it, twisting and squeezing as Killua slowly lost his ability to say words.

"Killua."

Killua squeezed his eyes shut, thrusting into Gon's hand as Gon thrust into him.

They were teetering on the edge, and it didn't take very long until they both came, each other's names on their lips.

* * *

Killua awoke slowly, a knock at the door, warmth radiating throughout his body, a heavy weight across his chest. He glanced over, seeing a peacefully sleeping Gon, cuddling against him.

It was so comfortable, Killua didn't want to get up. He looked to the door then.

"Yeah?" He said, loud enough to be heard, quiet enough not to wake Gon.

"I was wondering if you or Gon wanted eggs, I'm making breakfast," Senritsu's voice floated in through the door. Killua laughed a little.

"I'll take some, one sec. I'll ask Gon."

He nudged Gon, who gave a sleepy groan.

"Gon."

He got an answering groan.

"Senritsu's making eggs, you want some?"

Gon smiled, pressing his face into Killua and nodded.

"Yes, for both of us."

"I'll give you some time to wake up, then."

Killua looked down at the sleeping armful of Gon he had. "Hey." He spoke softly, running a hand through Gon's hair, the legendary bedhead that it was.

"Good morning, Killua," Gon said into his side.

With a small smile, Killua leaned down and pressed a kiss on his head.


	7. Color

The eggs were sunny-side up and staring at him.

At least that's how it felt.

"Your shirt's still in the living room." Senritsu said, off-handedly, but it was enough to make him blush heavily.

"I've got it." Gon took off from the dining room/kitchen. Sometimes, when he was trying to be funny, Killua called it a ditchen. Not even a sympathy laugh came of that.

Gon was wearing one of Killua's old shirts, that he'd gotten from Milluki, because all of the others were too tight around his shoulders. There was a reference on the shirt, of course. Just, no one really knew what the reference was from, not even Milluki. As well as some sweats they'd found that happened to be from Killua's college, which were a tad too long, but they managed.

Killua liked the way Gon looked in his clothes, even if they didn't fit right. It gave him a sort of charm.

"So..." Senritsu began, and Killua looked up from his eggs to her. She sat down in the chair across.

"Please don't," he muttered.

"I won't." She said, before looking away, off to the side, where they'd hung up that old stained glass piece they'd found in a thrift store.

"But?"

Senritsu let a small smile slip before looking back to him. "I called Leorio and Kurapika to do it for me."

His eyes widened and he pushed himself to his feet, kneeling down on his knees in front of Senritsu, grabbing the bottom of her shirt and crinkling the fabric.

"No. No no no. Why? Ritsu, please. Call it off. I will clean the apartment, don't make me face them."

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you didn't like me."

Killua stood, let go of Senritsu, and turned to face Kurapika, who was leaning in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest, looking absolutely and positively smug.

"I'm fine with you, it's Leorio that gets me."

His eyes turned to the tall man coming up behind his blonde friend.

"How are you, Miss Padokea?" Killua sniped at him.

"Oh, I'm marvelous. How are you, dartboard?" Leorio asked with feigned happiness.

"Dartboard doesn't make sense. Sorry, I win this round."

"It does make sense because I want to throw darts at you. Only sometimes, though. I bet it would be fun."

"You wouldn't get a point on me."

Leorio and Kurapika, the latter shaking his head, sat themselves at the table; Killua snagged his plate before his friends sat.

"You're both pretty, alright? We're not here to continue your immature banter." Kurapika said, a brow raised. "We're here to tell him what happens if he hurts Gon."

"My guess is that you'll go all kung fu on my ass?"

Kurapika held up a finger. "Judo." He corrected. "Not kung fu."

"Excuse me," he nodded, leaning against the counter.

"Same goes for him though. We don't want either of you hurt, and we want you guys to work out."

"Yeah," Leorio nodded, "can't have either of you being depressed and lonely."

"So, you be good to him, he does the same for you, we'll all be happy." Kurapika finished.

Killua let out a relieved breath. "That went so much better than Gon's."

The two turned their attentions to him.

"What?"

He scratched at the back of his head. "Well. We were at the manor because I wanted to paint him. We stayed for dinner... He may or may not have been interrogated by Hisoka and Illumi."

"Oh my god." Kurapika whispered.

"Wait, who are they?" Leorio looked between them.

"Brother and brother's fiancé." Killua said quickly with a nod to Leorio.

"They didn't threaten Gon, did they?"

Killua shrugged. "Everything they do is threatening. But not explicitly, I guess. It was more underlying. Gon's fine though, I mean, he wasn't shaken at all by it."

"And you?" Kurapika's prying eyes turned up to him.

"Yeah. Well. They're a frightening combination."

Kurapika nodded, resting his chin in his hands.

"So what have you guys been up to?" Killua asked nonchalantly, crossing his legs.

Leorio leaned back in his chair. "Found this restaurant with a Mariachi band."

"And he won't stop going to it."

They were sitting on a bench, Gon's arm around his shoulders, Killua leaning into Gon's chest, his eyes fluttering closed, trying to ignore the gnawing ache behind them.

That was how it went, after taking D2.

There was the day after, where everything felt normal.

There was the second day, where he could hardly stay awake and needed coffee to not be a zombie to the world for twenty four hours.

The third day was a gentle beginning of the pain, some deep aches in bones that echoed arthritis, a slight headache behind the eyes.

The fourth day was the worst, when he would be in debilitating pain that felt as though he were being torn apart, sewn back together, then torn apart again.

The last time he had a day like that, Gon had asked him out. He didn't know what tomorrow would bring him this time.

Gon poked his arm. "Hey. Are you awake?"

Killua sat up straight and looked at Gon. "Yeah, I am. I'm fine."

Gon gave him a brief look of worry, before flashing a smile. "Good! Because someone's going to be joining us."

"Wait, what."

"Yeah, my aunt Mito was coming down this weekend, and I was wondering if you wanted to meet her?" His eyes sparkled, shooting Killua a look that he couldn't say no to.

Gon was giving him puppy dog eyes.

"God damn it." Killua whispered, before shaking his head at Gon and speaking fully.

"Okay, fine. When are we meeting her?"

Gon chuckled. "She said she'll be in town in thirty minutes, we could meet her at Kurta."

Killua nodded in agreement. "Okay. I guess it won't be that bad. From what I've heard of Mito..."

Gon had talked about Mito a lot. About how she raised him and how it was her that pushed him into going to college. And while Padokea was far from Whale Island, Mito never minded. To meet Mito, who had become something of a mythical creature in regards to how godlike Gon had painted her out to be, Killua was nervous and happy at the same time. He was nervous because it was Mito. Mito was so important to Gon, and he couldn't afford to screw it up. And he was happy for the same reason.

Gon touched his forehead to Killua's, taking his hand, smiling. Killua smiled as well, unable to hold back.

Gon pulled away first. "I have to text her, but we can take our time walking there." He stood and held out his hand to Killua.

The white-haired teen gladly took the hand and walked with Gon as they headed to Kurapika's café.

Killua had some of the best times of his life at Kurta Coffee. He'd met people, like Knov, Komugi, and Palm. He'd read, studied, drawn there. It was where he'd reconnected with Kurapika after the elder graduated. It was where he'd met Gon, and now, he would meet Gon's aunt.

They came up to Kurta's green door, littered with small circular windows, and made their way inside, going to the back of the café, where Kurapika had stored all of his favorites books.

It was something of a miniature library in the back of Kurta, Kurapika being the avid reader he was. The shelves were lined with classics, contemporaries, and even the occasional pulp novel.

Killua knew each spine of each book by memory, considering how many times he'd been there, and he'd read a few of them, borrowing them from Kurapika.

Gon sat down onto the red couch situated amongst the bookshelves, while Killua nodded back towards the counters at the front.

"I'll get us something to drink, anything you want?"

Gon pursed his lips, thinking it over, before shaking his head. Killua nodded and made his way up front.

He smiled and waved at the familiar face at the counter. Pairo smiled back, straightening out his dark red apron.

"Hey, Killua. You want your usual?" He asked with a smile.

"Tea, please."

Pairo, Kurapika's cousin, had been a fairly regular face at Kurta, ever since Killua started coming here, and he was nearly always working.

It took a short amount of time to make the drink, then Killua paid and returned to the back, tea in hand.

Gon looked up at him and smiled.

"Aunt Mito should be here in a few minutes; she's on her way."

Killua sat down next to him, taking a sip of his drink. Gon placed his hand on Killua's knee, pressing his forehead to Killua's shoulder.

"Killua."

Gon squeezed his knee.

"Hmm?"

Killua glanced down to Gon, the teen's spiky hair brushing against his neck.

"Mito will love you."

Killua looked back away, a small smile on his lips, and took another sip of his tea. Pairo's tea was the best, better than whatever shit Illumi ever made, the few times he did. Gon pressed his lips to Killua's shoulder.

The bells on the door jingled, and Killua nudged Gon, causing a slight groan from the other.

"Was that Mito?" He asked, reaching over and fishing Gon's phone from his pocket, checking it.

**Aunt Mito 3:** Just got here, where...

He nudged Gon again. "Time to get up, Sleeping Beauty."

"Can't." Gon shifted. "You're too warm."

"Your aunt's here."

Gon held out his hand, and Killua handed him his phone. He typed out a quick message before settling back against Killua's shoulder, amber eyes closed.

Shortly after, a red haired woman poked her head into the back area. Killua smiled and raised his empty hand, that happened to be the arm Gon was laying on. Mito smiled at Gon fondly before sitting in the chair next to the couch.

"Do you want something to drink? I could order something for you." Killua offered, but Mito shook her head.

"No, I'm fine. Thank you, though." She said, amusement in her voice.

Killua took another drink of his tea.

"Hey, Aunt Mito." Gon said, his sunny voice muffled by Killua's sleeve.

Mito laughed softly.

"I'm Killua, by the way," he put his tea to the side and held out a hand.

Mito shook his offered hand. "Gon's told me a lot about you."

"Ah, well. I hope I live up to expectations."

"You're doing fine so far." She gave him a kind smile.

"You did just meet me, though." He said, shrugging the shoulder that didn't support Gon's face. Gon reached up and put a hand to the side of his face.

"Hush, no. Killua, you're perfect."

He looked over. "Do you need a nap?"

Gon shook his head, wrapping his arms around Killua's arm. In retaliation, Killua poked him in the forehead.

"Idiot."

"You two are adorable." Mito commented with a smile.

"Killua doesn't like it when you call him adorable, Aunt Mito." Gon said, looking over from Killua's shoulder, resting his chin on it.

"I'm calling you both adorable anyway, together."

Killua stifled a small smile and took another sip of his tea.

It seemed like Mito liked him well enough, and that was a good feeling, something akin to being approved of by the parents, but of course, she was more important than parents, she was Mito. Not only was she Gon's mother-figure, she was Gon's first best friend.

Mito smiled at Killua, her eyes twinkling. Thousands of unsaid words ringing out with that look.

'I trust Gon with you.'


	8. No Longer

Gon had his fingers threaded through Killua's hair. He'd been extremely touchy lately, but Killua supposed that he didn't mind. He liked the way Gon's hands felt when they touched him, big and callused and tanned. Unlike his own, where his right hand was incredibly abused and its twin on the left had only a few marks that quickly disappeared, as was the norm with paper cuts.

Gon's fingers were thick, rough. And Killua knew it was because of when he was a child, hands growing rough from his fishing rod as he spent his days on Whale Island by a lake, or from climbing the trees.

Killua's, on the other hand, were long, much like a pianist's fingers, but with a callus on the ring finger of his right hand. His right thumb was far more angular than his left as well, especially when his stretched out his hand completely. His theory was that it'd become like that because he'd held the pencil too tightly when he sketched in the earlier days.

Gon's left hand held his. Gon's right hand tangled into the white strands of his hair, while he held his in front of him, holding out a book that he'd taken from Kurta while they were leaving.

'He is all my art to me now.' Killua read. His hand tightened around Gon's. How true it was. While he didn't love Gon solely for the purpose of art, he found that the quote echoed in him. The first time he'd read the book, he'd found it a little ridiculous that an artist could fall in love, perhaps at all. No matter what it was.

But Gon.

He paused in his reading and lowered the book, mouth set in a line as he sank back into Gon.

"Thank you." He said suddenly and Gon leaned over a little, their eyes meeting.

"For what?" His fingers continued twisting Killua's locks, and Killua smiled at him.

"For showing me I can." After that, Killua turned back to his book, raising it up again, while behind him, Gon's brow knitted.

"You're welcome, I guess. I still don't know what you mean."

Killua slipped in his bookmark and turned a little, so he could easily see Gon, and set the book to the side. Gon's hand moved from his hair to his back, their hands still entwined.

"Can I just... I love you, Gon. I didn't think I could, romantically, but I do. Thank you for showing me I can."

Gon's amber eyes lit up when he smiled and he leaned forward, kissing Killua briefly. The two of them smiled dumbly for a moment before they broke down in laughter, Killua's head falling against Gon's shoulder.

"You're so cute, Killua." Gon said sweetly.

"Are you kidding? That was so fucking cheesy. Why didn't you stop me from saying that?"

Gon started rubbing circles on Killua's back. "Because I like it when you say cute things."

Killua grinned. "Fuck you, Gon."

"You can if you want to."

He laughed again, and nipped at Gon's neck. "I might if you keep that up."

"Right here?"

"Yep."

Gon was silent for a moment, and Killua peeked at him. He was smiling, shaking his head, and laughing softly. "That wouldn't be comfortable."

"Maybe not for you."

That made him pause for just a moment before he turned them, pressing Killua against the floor and holding himself over him.

"I don't know; this is pretty comfortable." He said, obviously holding back laughter.

Killua leaned up, his lips close to Gon's. "Not for as long as I'll keep you up there." He wrapped his arms around Gon's shoulders, and pulled up a little, kissing him again.

For a moment, he felt a flash of pain jolt through his arm, but ignored it. He knew what tomorrow would be, so his body really needed to stop reminding him, especially now.

He just wanted to be a stupid hormonal nineteen year old boy for an hour.

"What time does Senritsu normally get back?" Gon asked suddenly.

The person in question stepped out of the kitchen and looked at the two of them before sighing and shaking her head.

"I've been here the whole time. Could you please take that-" she gestured to the two of them "-somewhere else, please."

Gon sat up straight beside Killua, looking at Senritsu apologetically. "I didn't know you were home, I'm sorry."

She smiled at him. "It's okay, Gon."

Killua looked up at her, upside down. "But not okay for me, I assume."

Senritsu shook her head. "No, I won't mind as long as you take it somewhere else."

He smiled. "I don't deserve you." He said before standing, reaching out his hand to Gon. "Let's go. A happy Ritsu is my favorite Ritsu." Gon smiled at him and laughed a little.

Senritsu watched the two of them go down the hall and into Killua's room.

"Those little bunnies." She mumbled before pulling out her phone and texting Kurapika.

Just in case they got loud.

Gon's tongue was on his neck.

Killua closed his eyes, hands tightening, clutching Gon's shirt. His tongue was replaced with lips and teeth.

"Is," Killua managed, "is this you b-being pos-sessive?" Gon hummed against his throat, before removing his mouth.

"Not really, I think you'll know when I am. It will be clear." Gon turned him attention back to Killua's throat, kissing up the pale skin to his jaw.

Killua rolled his hips. "I want to see it now. I'm curious."

Gon nipped at his jaw, causing Killua to make a small chirping sound. "Curiosity killed the cat."

"Are you comparing me to a cat? Because I can totally show you how cat-like I can be." He slipped his hands out of Gon's grip and placed them against his chest.

Gon pushed himself up and looked at Killua's mischievous expression, his own doubtful.

"It almost looks like you're about to grow ears and a tail."

Killua raised his eyebrows. "You're being cheeky."

"Yep." Gon said with a nod.

"You can be taught."

Killua woke up in Gon's arms. They hadn't done anything the night before, only a really hardcore make out session, but still, Killua woke in pain.

It flashed like lightning down his spine, waking him from his restful sleep and wracking his body with the crushing pain he'd only ever felt once before. He gasped, pulling out of Gon's arms and curling in on himself.

It felt worse this time. It felt so much worse. It felt like his bones were breaking, snapping into pieces, and crumbling into dust.

He took a breath, ignoring the sharp pain in his lungs from doing so, and glanced at the clock.

Four in the morning.

Killua felt a hand on his shoulder, and he whimpered, really desperately wishing Gon wasn't awake but simply missing his warmth.

"Hey, Killua." Gon whispered to him in the darkness, and Killua curled closer, wincing.

"Are you okay?"


	9. Black

"Are you okay?" Gon's voice was full of concern, and Killua wasn't quite sure how he should answer, or if he could. He didn't know how much pain speaking in this state would cause him.

"G-Gon." He managed, despite his fear, turning partially toward Gon, looking up at him with sad eyes. "I'm... I'm okay," his voice was a hoarse whisper when he spoke. "G-go back to sleep."

Instead, Gon pushed himself up in the bed and pulled Killua against him. Killua gasped at the sudden jerking movement of his body, headache throbbing. "I won't go back to sleep until you do, okay?" Gon leaned down and kissed his forehead.

"N-no. You should... you should sleep. Please just go to sleep, Gon." He said, pushing himself away. He didn't see Gon's expression, but he had a feeling that it was concerned. That Gon was worried about him.

"Tell me what's wrong." He said, and Killua felt his hand grasp the back of Killua's shirt. He didn't pull, he just held, and that pained Killua's heart more than anything else.

"It... it's worse this time. I don't know if I can do this." He dropped his head into his hands, the heels of his hands pressing into his eyes, causing the border of his vision to be tainted with grey.

"Explain it to me. I want to help you." Gon's voice was painfully soft, and Killua couldn't stand it. He cared. He cared. Killua shook his head. He wasn't used to it. He'd never be used to Gon.

"You can't help me." He said, setting his feet on the floor and sinking down until his knees were against his chest, back against the hard metal of the frame. "You can't. There's nothing you can do..."

Unconsciously, his eyes flit to the shoe box that had been kicked under the bed.

Gon couldn't help him, he knew that much, but he could help himself.

He reached slowly, but it was Gon who took his hand, leaning out from the bed and taking his gaze away from the box.

Oh. That's right.

Killua blinked a few times. He had to keep himself together for Gon. He could let this pass for Gon. He wouldn't take any more for Gon...

"You should hide the box somewhere." Gon said. "Really. If it's giving you this much trouble-"

"I can't just get rid of it." Killua interrupted. "You don't understand. I can't just get rid of it. I can't just-"

"Killua, listen to me." Gon got out of the bed and knelt down in front of Killua, hands on his shoulders and looking into his eyes. Even in the darkness of early morning, those amber eyes were powerful. "You don't need it. You just think you do. I can help you. I can be right here for you; I can make you stop when you're about to take one. I can be the reason why you stop." He cupped Killua's face in his hand. "Let me."

Killua closed his eyes so tight that furry grey bordered his vision and he could no longer see those imposing eyes.

Gon already was his reason, already so much... and so was the pain. He couldn't...

"Gon." Killua's voice was a whisper when he spoke. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

He opened his eyes and saw pain reflected in Gon's. And that pain looked greater than his own. And he couldn't tell what hurt most. Gon took both of his hands and held them between the two of them.

"You're not going to do anything. I have your hands. You can't do anything if I have your hands." Despite the childish words, his voice reflected his sorrow.

Killua pulled away, ripping his hands from Gon's grasp and backing away, consequently slamming his back into the bed frame and wincing.

"Go."

"Killua..."

"P-please."

Gon backed away, and Killua put his head on his knees. "Let me hide the shoebox first."

Killua looked up, quickly, eyes wide. "No." His voice was weak.

"You were already tempted once; let me take it with me and hide it."

"No!" Killua suddenly shouted, startling Gon. He could see in the way the other's shoulders lurched. Somewhere deep inside of him, he felt a satisfaction in having surprised Gon. "Get out! I don't need your help! Let me be alone!"

Gon reached toward the box, slowly, watching Killua's expression carefully. Killua grabbed the box, shifting onto his knees and setting the shoebox onto his legs.

"Killua!" Gon reached forward and tried to take it from Killua, who turned his back to him.

"Get out! Get out!" He shouted as he opened the box.

"Killua, please!"

He took out the plastic bag and threw the shoe box behind him.

"Killua."

He felt Gon's head fall against his back, Gon's hands clutching the back of his shirt, shaking. His blue eyes examined the contents of the bag.

Four.

He pulled it open and took out two of those devious little pills.

"Killua, please." Gon's voice was a mere whisper, as Killua took down the remaining pills.

White.

All around him, a soft and puffy white. A stark contrast to the dark morning before that.

His body was soft and white too. Killua gave a smile, and leaned back into the warmth behind him.

"Killua?" The voice was sweet. Like caramel. Yeah. The voice was smooth and light orange-ish brown. Just like caramel. Killua looked behind himself, and found a man made of caramel, holding the back of his shirt.

He discarded what he held; it looked like a feather, all of the dusted white, and turned to face the caramel man.

"Oh god, Killua." The caramel man dropped his head as a show of emotion. Emotion pamotion. Killua took the caramel man's face into his hands and looked at him. His eyes were caramel, his lips were caramel. Killua found himself wondering if he would taste like caramel too.

"I'm sorry." The caramel man said, and Killua leaned forward and kissed him.

He didn't taste like caramel, and Killua was disappointed. He pulled back and pouted. The caramel man didn't look caramel anymore. He got more colors, slowly.

Black, pink, white, green, red... He took on the appearance of a person.

"Killua." The man's pink lips spoke the word slowly, and Killua found himself intrigued by that mouth. He reached forward to touch it; his soft white fingers gliding across the pink stretch.

"Soft." Killua muttered to himself, before giggling a little at the sound of his voice.

The man took his hand and pulled it away from his mouth.

"Do you know how long this usually lasts?" The man turned toward the whiteness, and Killua looked over, his attention turning to the other person. A girl, he assumed.

"He usually comes out of it after an hour or two." The girl came closer, and put a white hand on the man's shoulder.

The man looked over at the feather.

"The bag is empty."

"What?" Her voice was soft, and high when she spoke, and she walked over and picked up the feather. "He took the rest of them then?"

"You look soft." Killua muttered, but the two ignored him. 'Rude,' he thought.

"Has he ever...?"

"No, not that I know of. Might have before we got the apartment. Maybe we should call his brother."

"Illu-nii!" Killua's eyes lit up. "Illu-nii is soft. He lets me pet him."

The two nodded to each before the girl picked something out of the whiteness that looked like a chocolate bar. The man turned back to Killua.

That was when Killua realized they only had pieces of faces. He poked one of the empty parts of the man's face.

"How do you do that? It's cool! Can you teach me how to do that?"

The man's eyes narrowed and he poked Killua's face as well.

"You're speaking gibberish."

"I don't speak Finnish..."

Ill-nii appeared in the whiteness. Just as the girl had, in fact she followed Ill-nii in.

"Ill-nii!" Killua smiled.

"What did you do?" Ill-nii asked the man as he walked around Killua, going somewhere behind him. Killua thought he'd disappeared for a moment, until he felt Ill-nii's hands in his hair. He could bet that it was also as soft and white as the rest of him.

"I asked him to let me hide the shoebox." The man answered.

"Was he withdrawing?"

The man didn't answer, but the girl.

"He was on the third day of withdrawal. He must have been going through something terrible for him to slip over the edge like that." She said, and Ill-nii continued twisting Killua's hair in his fingers.

"Third day is physical pain, excruciating amounts of it. I think, when you offered to take the drugs away, Gon, he was going off because of the pain. I've seen him go through it before, a couple months ago, actually, he locked himself in the shed at the house, and he stayed there until it ebbed. He had a good idea at the time. Getting himself as far away from the drugs as possible before he was tempted by them."

"Why didn't he do that this time? Especially if he knew it was coming."

The three of them were silent for a moment, and no one spoke. The white world was now tense, and Killua didn't like it. The white world wasn't supposed to be tense. It was supposed to be happy. It was supposed to be fuzzy...

He started to feel it in his bones first. The tension. The wrought and hollow thickness that settled in his bones made him uncomfortable, and he shifted. It reminded him too much of...

"Get out!"

He looked up; in the whiteness, he saw two figures, and they appeared to be fighting.

"Please."

He saw the aggression seeping from one figure, that melted the whiteness of the room into the darkness of the early dawn.

It was five o'clock in the morning.

The little red numbers bore into him.

He started recognizing the faces around him. Senritsu, Illumi, Gon...

Killua leaned forward, falling into Gon's chest and feeling his warm arms encircle him.

"The white went away." He muttered, his voice muffled by Gon's shirt.

"He'll be falling asleep soon." Illumi said, and the bed creaked as he stood. "Once the ecstasy of the drug fades, he goes to sleep and will wake up a couple hours later. I didn't think it would be so fast, since he took four. I think the most I've ever seen him take is three." Gon's arms tightened around him. Gon's heat permeated through him, and made him more comfortable.

"Keep an eye on him over the next few days. If you don't, he might slip away and get some more." Illumi sighed and ruffled Killua's hair. "It's a good thing he took the rest that he had."

Killua remembered the first time he met Senritsu. She had been very shy at the time, both of them children, and he had been antisocial. Because of that, the two of them got along, so much that they were absolutely inseparable.

When they got into high school, that didn't really change. Since neither wanted to speak to anyone else, they took every opportunity to be together. They kept in touch after high school. Killua bought an apartment and invited her to live with him.

In whole, Killua thought it would help. He thought Senritsu could act as a boundary between drugs and himself.

But in the end, he still got high. Senritsu had witnessed it once, how he acted, and knew exactly how it would be. For Killua, when he was high, Senritsu was merely a blur of whatever color she wore at the time.

She knew, but she didn't know as much as Illumi.

But she knew more about Killua on his good days. How they would set up an outdoor theater on homecoming night and watch movies until they fell asleep. How, since neither had dates, he took her to prom and danced like dorks. But it was fun. And that was the Killua Senritsu knew and was used to. The Killua that would do anything in his power to make the people he loved happy.

He just wasn't the same when he took the pills.

Killua woke up and looked at the clock. The glaring red numbers read four. The sun beamed through the blinds and into the room.

Four in the afternoon, and all he could remember was shouting.

But he felt so warm, a little uncomfortable from the position, but warm. He grabbed Gon's shirt, which seemed to serve as his pillow.

"Gon." He whispered, closing his eyes.

"It's okay."

"No, no it's not. I hurt you. I yelled at you. I should have listened to you."

Gon kissed his forehead again. "I forgave you a long time ago."

"You deserve more than me."

"I still want you, Killua. One incident won't make me stop loving you."


	10. But Gold

Killua was mostly relieved. Gon didn't hate him because of one slip. Killua pulled Gon closer, burying his shame into Gon's warm body. He felt Gon's hand spread out and lower to the small of his back. Gon's warmth, his being. Killua could feel the unavoidable compassion seeping into his bones, just from this embrace.

Killua was mostly relieved, but also slightly ashamed of himself. He didn't deserve Gon. He didn't deserve to be forgiven. He didn't deserve any of this.

'This whole time,' Killua realized, 'I was thinking that I didn't deserve him, that I never could. I was so blinded by my lowered self worth that I couldn't see him.'

"I'm sorry, Gon," he said as he stood, pulling out of Gon's arms. "I'll... I'll be right back." Those amber- no, caramel- eyes flickered up to him, and Gon stood as well.

"I'll go with you."

Killua stared at him blankly. "Oh... um..." he looked over to the door. "I should probably tell you, right? So you... I'm just going to go take a shower..." Gon's hand rose to his cheek, angling his face upwards.

"I'll go with you." He repeated, and Killua felt his face burn.

"That's not necessary." Killua muttered, looking away. Gon pressed a kiss to his forehead. Glancing back, Killua saw a smug grin on his face.

Gon took a step back. "Okay, but if I don't hear the shower I'm running after you." Killua chuckled.

"That's not what I'm worried about."

"I've already seen you naked, though, so it's not like it'll be any different."

Killua shook his head. "If you wanna come with me, go ahead, but you're not getting in."

Gon pouted at him, and Killua rolled his eyes. "Come on, you weirdo."

He noticed Gon's raised eyebrow, but didn't say anything, especially when Gon didn't. Until- "Does that mean I can get in, too?"

"Pervert."

The water was cold, running down his skin, from the back of his neck to the small of his back, it replaced the resident heat of the high with a hollow chill that permeated through his body.

Gon hadn't gotten in with him, and at the moment, he was grateful, for now he could wallow in his own self pity. Yes, he was angry at himself- no, angry's not the right word. He was enraged, pissed off- because of what he'd done. He'd yelled at Gon and got high. He didn't deserve Gon. He really didn't.

He heard a low hum from the other side of the curtain.

"It's not getting hot in here, you okay?" Gon called out from his spot on the toilet seat.

Killua didn't say anything, but looked at Gon's faint silhouette on the curtain. He was illuminated by the overhead light and stood out radiantly, making Killua fall that much further.

"Killua?" Gon called out again while standing.

"I'm fine," Killua said, leaning further into the cold water. "You don't have to worry about anything."

"It can't be helped, I'm worrying." Gon said, and Killua saw movement through the curtain.

"Stu~pid, Gon. Don't you dare do what I think you're about to." Killua straightened, his grim mood slowly fading away.

"Are you daring me not to? Because, you see, Mito-san always told me to ignore dares."

Killua reached forward and turned up the heat of the water, feeling it gradually heat against his skin. Except Gon was a furnace, and he still might find it cold.

The curtain of the shower rustled, and Gon stepped in behind Killua.

"Your hair looks really nice wet," he said while closing the curtain. Killua felt his cheeks heat, and he absently pulled on a lock of it.

He could feel Gon's heat on his back then, and leaned back into his chest.

"If you try anything, I'm going to blast the cold water on you." Killua threatened, though it was an empty threat, and they both knew it.

Gon's arms circled him. "I'm not afraid of cold water." He pressed his lips to the back of Killua's neck.

Gon's lips trail down, following the curve of Killua's spine. There came the chill, running down his arms.

"What're you..." Killua managed out, as Gon made his way lower.

"Just a little bit of teasing." His voice was tinged with mischief again.

"You've been teasing a lot lately." Killua muttered. It wasn't long after saying that that he felt Gon's hands on his inner thigh, and he startled.

"I haven't been teasing a lot." Gon protested before he nipped at Killua's skin.

"Fuck." The teen breathed out, closing his eyes tightly as the warm water poured on him. "Yes. Yes, you have."

Gon gave a half-hearted sound of denial as Killua felt his lips dip to the back of his leg. Mischievous hand moved up and wrapped around Killua's dick.

"Brat!" Killua let out, startled and hiding his eyes in his arm, his hand balled into a fist, resting on the tile wall of the shower while the other twisted into his hair in an attempt to keep him grounded.

"Would you rather it was my mouth?" Gon teased before kissing the back of his thigh again. Killua did not respond. He didn't know what to say.

No wasn't a good answer, and yes only invited more snark, so he clenched his teeth and tried to keep from focusing on Gon.

But Gon was really the only thing he could focus on. The warm water faded away, as did the cold of the tile, and all that was left were the rough warm hands touching him and the soft lips torturing his legs.

"Gon." Killua muttered.

"You're really hard, Killua. Are you okay?" Gon was having fun, he could hear it in his voice.

He held back a retaliation, sucking in a hissed breath instead. 'Of course I'm not okay, you asshole. You're jacking me off in the shower.'

His legs started going weak beneath him; his body quaked as he came. Killua let himself fall slowly to the tile, kneeling in front of Gon, who was now pressed behind him, his arms circling around Killua.

"Gon," Killua whispered, his voice drowned out by the sound of the cooling water hitting the tile. "Why the hell would you choose me?"

The other pulled him closer, and he felt the natural warmth of Gon's skin against his.

"What was that, Killua?" He asked, voice floating over the sound of water.

"Nothing."

Senritsu looked between the two, both of them soaking wet, with water dripping from their hair. Her lips pursed together, and she shook her head slightly.

"You little rabbits," she muttered. "You should make yourselves something to eat; it's almost lunchtime."

"What about you?" Killua asked her, and she smiled shyly, shrugging her shoulders before replying.

"I'm going out with a friend."

Killua's eyes sparked with lightning, and he quickly asked:

"Why are you blushing, is it a guy?"

Senritsu waved him off. "That's none of your concern. Make your own food, Lu-chan."

"Ritsu..."

"See you two later."

And just as quickly, she was gone.

Killua stood at the door for a moment, eyes dazed before he heard the distinct clanking of pots against pans in the kitchen. He turned from the door and went toward the kitchen, seeing Gon inside, setting up.

"You can cook?"

Gon turned for a moment and flashed him a smile.

"Yeah, well. I grew up with my Aunt, as you know, so sometimes I would help out in the kitchen, like with bigger meals." He explained as he took out some bread, cheese, and butter.

"What are you making us then?"

'Shit, he can cook too? Lord almighty.'

Gon paused for a moment and looked at Killua.

"You don't know how to make grilled cheese?" The question was poses incredulously, and Killua answered it with a frown.

"I've never cooked before, okay? Unless toast counts."

Gon chuckled and tsked. "Then watch me; grilled cheese is one of the easiest things ever to cook."

Killua hummed, leaning against the counter. "I used to watch the chef cook when I was little. Sometimes she'd give me the illusion I was helping. Some meaningless task that had nothing to do with the dish but made little six year-old me feel so fulfilled." He laughed softly. "Y'know. She was more of a mom to me than my actual mom. Same with the butlers."

"I never knew my mom," Gon said as he turned the stove on, the two uncooked sandwiches sitting side by side in the pan. "There were never any pictures of her, and my aunt even said my dad just showed up with me one day."

"Your dad sounds like an asshole." Killua deadpanned, looking at Gon, who shrugged, letting the sandwiches cook on the one side before he grabbed a spatula and flipped them. The bread was an attractive golden-brown.

"I wouldn't know."

"That's precisely why he's an asshole."

Gon laughed as he pressed the sandwiches into the pan; a soft simmer sang with the soft laugh.

"I don't know; I still want to see for myself."

Killua tilted his head, looking at Gon with curiosity and... another emotion he couldn't identify. That one that remained ever illusive- just beyond his grasp.

The noon sun came in through the window, slipping past Killua and began to shine directly on Gon.

Gon, his embodiment of light, his loud, awkward, shameless, sweet, caring, loving, forgiving, flawless boyfriend.

'That's it,' Killua found himself thinking. 'You're not just the embodiment of light, are you. You're more than that. More than just simple light. You're the sun. You light up everything around you, you melt ice...'

He thought back to the unfinished painting in his studio. He should finish it. Should paint Gon's tanned skin and muscular arms. That sweet smile on his face, that innocence in his eyes. With the light wrapping around him, threatening to steal him away from the darkness.

Killua looked away from Gon and closed his eyes.

'There should be another painting,' that mocking voice in his mind whispered. 'The embodiment of darkness.'

Absently, Killua reached out, his fingers brushing against Gon's wrist.

Gon looked up, his full attention given to Killua.

"What's wrong?" He asked, and Killua opened his eyes, looked at Gon and smiled.

"You know I love you, right?" He said softly, his hand curling around Gon's wrist.

The sandwiches were done and moved to a plate so they could be ignored. The stove was turned off as well before Gon turned completely to Killua, taking both of his hands and leaning forward, forehead against forehead.

"Of course I do." Gon answered, thumb rubbing over the top of Killua's hand.

"Good." Killua closed his eyes as he squeezed Gon's hands.

Gon chuckled, pulling back slightly and pressing a kiss to Killua's forehead. "You know I love you too, right? You know that I will, no matter what happens?"

"Yeah. I know that."

Gon pressed another kiss to Killua's nose. "Good." Before pressing one to his lips as well.

"Let's eat, yeah?"

Killua smiled, looking at Gon. "Yeah."


End file.
